Thursday, February 10, 2005

Turns Out You Don’t Have To Butcher The Word “Nuclear” To Succeed in Politics

I’m not generally the type who likes to get involved in political or civic causes, but last night I found myself standing before the city traffic commission, turning my sweaty palms to the sky and pleading with the five elderly men on the dais to install a four-way stop at the intersection leading into and out of Evans World Headquarters before our minivan gets t-boned by an oncoming F-150 and I am forced to eat my next birthday cake through a straw and shit it out into a bag attached to the back of my motorized wheelchair, a la that really smart science guy, something-or-other Hawking.

Whatever I said worked because the old guys were all yeah I think that intersection really needs a four-way stop so do I hear a motion to accept the resolution and I go yeah I’ve got your motion right here and the chairman of the commission was all no sir someone on the commission needs to make the motion, which they did, and then it was seconded and just like that I get to eat my cake with a fork. Phew.

Speaking of a piece of cake, that’s what politics is. I never had to say the word “noo-kee-lur” or stick a Cohiba into an intern’s coochie or have myself burned in effigy by angry foreigners chanting “Danny, Boom-Bah-Yeh! Danny, Boom-Bah-Yeh!” (Whatever that means.) All I had to do was show up. Given the ease with which I got this stop sign put in, I’ve started to pen a list of the causes I will be tackling next in my mission to adjust the world to suit my own preferences and comfort zone.

1) I would like someone to find a cure for lactose intolerance. I love ice cream but every time I eat it my insides turn to water, my gas smells like the rotting carcass of a wooly mammoth, my face breaks out like the kids from Hanson, my belly cramps and I have to wear running shoes with my Dockers (which looks totally lame) because I may have to sprint to the bathroom with my hand over my ass at a moment’s notice.

2) I would like to make it a federal regulation that all men’s bathroom stalls be stocked with a sports page, the current issues of Playboy, Hustler, Swank, Oui, Juggs and Leg Show, a PlayStation, a container of lotion, a small fridge stocked with beer and a television with a cable hook-up. Anyone who thinks we go in there just to defecate is kidding herself.

3) I would like to make it a crime for a woman to walk around the office with her shoes off unless she also removes her blouse.

4) The government seems to be big on launching this big cultural awareness campaigns, propagating messages about the dangers of smoking and drug use and hating people based on their ethnicity. I would like to support the launch of a campaign geared toward changing the nation’s reaction to nose picking. My independent survey indicates that virtually everyone does it, so why is it ridiculed? I want the country to jump on board with me and rally behind our new slogan: It’s Hip To Pick.


At 12:53 PM, Blogger natalie said...

the only problem with a swingin' slogan like 'it's hip to pick' would be those clever folks who would ask: 'pick what? pick one's nose... pick one's ear... or pick one's butt?' [or some such nonsense.] i say 'go rectal archeology... if not for your own comfort, for the sake of the world's amusement.'

At 1:13 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

It IS hip to pick, and also nutritious.

Congratulations on the four-way stop.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Rootietoot said...

I can't figure out why you'd need a bottle of lotion. My children (teenage boys all) would roll their eyes and mutter "it's a guy thing", but I want a coherent explanation!

At 5:14 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said...

Get back to me when you actually see stop signs at that corner.

At 6:41 AM, Blogger LadyBug said...

I thought it was "hip to be square"?

At 7:40 AM, Blogger Sissychong said...

As long as it's not pickin' and flickin'...that is SO not hip!

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I think George says it "nook-you-lar" as opposed to the correct "nook-lee-are," but I'm splitting nosehairs.

You could extend the nosepicking trend to suggest that people pick others' noses as a polite gesture or greeting. A "Booger Mugger" could replace pick-up lines.

At 11:11 AM, Blogger Closet Metro said...

The topless in the office thing scares me. Some women should never take their blouses off under florescent office lighting. Granted, they should leave their shoes on too, but topless with heels might be alright according to all of the mens magazines you mentioned.

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