Penis, The Home Version

When I was in my early teens, I was introduced at summer camp to a game called “Penis.”

The game is simple. A group of people stands in a circle. Whoever elects to go first says the word “penis” as softly as he or she can. The next person says it a little bit louder. And so on. The first person to laugh loses and must step out of the circle. After that, the game begins again. The last person standing wins. (When I grew older, I learned a drinking game variation on “Penis” --- the first person who laughs must take a shot.)

The great thing about “Penis” is the sight of someone yelling “peeeeeeennniiiiiissss!” at the top of his or her lungs (and when you’re 14, hearing a girl even say that word is enough to turn your Jordache jeans into floods) (if you know what I mean) (and by that I mean it gives you a huge boner) (or as huge as a boner can be when you’re 14) (which in my case was about the size of a AA battery) (but still) (and can we just stop here for a sec to appreciate the splendor and phonetic beauty of the word “boner”) (just try to say that word without smiling) (and by that logic, I guess the game “Penis” could also be the game “Boner” or the game “Vagina” or the game “Labia Majora”).

As I became more adept at stifling my amusement at the word “penis,” I became a bit of a showboat during our regular games. I’d mix in adjectives and verbs and occasionally hand gestures. For example:

• Big fucking penis
• Purple-headed hairy penis
• Huge erect penis and a furry ballsack to match
• Massive vein-covered penis with a hairy wart on the bottom of it

Yep, I was the Michael Jordan of “Penis” (and by that I don’t mean that I have a penis like Michael’s (which I wouldn’t know because I’ve never seen Michael’s unit, although I assume it was, you know, nice) but that I was the greatest to ever play the game and everyone knew it).