New Feature: The Monday Enema
I’m both proud and horrified to disclose that this site gets between 600 and 1,000 hits a day. While only about 2% of you have the balls to leave comments, I have to assume that 100% of you are deeply troubled human beings. Why else would you return day after day to read about poop and boogers and the ways in which I have conspired to kill my daughter’s favorite TV character?
In part because I want to know the depths of your psychoses, I am prepared to offer my bad advice, twisted insight, faux empathy, handy tips, and hollow independent confirmation of your lunacy through a new regular feature called THE MONDAY ENEMA.
It’s important to begin each week anew, free of the burdensome problems and confusion that gather in our minds during each weekend’s Zima-fueled introspection and self-loathing. To assist you in regaining that freedom, I will be responding each week to your questions, queries and pleas for mercy.
The act of venting your problems and having them validated by a fellow looney-ass motherfucker will serve as a mental enema for you, helping to cleanse the little colon in your brain and starting you off right for a week of peace and harmony.
(Plus, we all want to see how fucked up you are.)
If you’re contemplating taking a new relationship to “the next level” by audibly farting in front of your boyfriend, we’ll talk you through it.
If you don’t know what to do when your boss says he’ll only promote you if you give him a humdiggity under his desk, ask us.
If you are seeking just the right way to tell your parents that you’re into sex acts that involve temporarily halting your breathing, we can help.
Send your questions and conundrums to email@example.com.
In honor of George and Abe, the first Monday Enema will start draining this Monday.
(For those of you playing at home, that e-mail address should give you some insight into some changes afoot. More news on that next week, too.)