Friday, February 18, 2005

New Feature: The Monday Enema

I’m both proud and horrified to disclose that this site gets between 600 and 1,000 hits a day. While only about 2% of you have the balls to leave comments, I have to assume that 100% of you are deeply troubled human beings. Why else would you return day after day to read about poop and boogers and the ways in which I have conspired to kill my daughter’s favorite TV character?

In part because I want to know the depths of your psychoses, I am prepared to offer my bad advice, twisted insight, faux empathy, handy tips, and hollow independent confirmation of your lunacy through a new regular feature called THE MONDAY ENEMA.

It’s important to begin each week anew, free of the burdensome problems and confusion that gather in our minds during each weekend’s Zima-fueled introspection and self-loathing. To assist you in regaining that freedom, I will be responding each week to your questions, queries and pleas for mercy.

The act of venting your problems and having them validated by a fellow looney-ass motherfucker will serve as a mental enema for you, helping to cleanse the little colon in your brain and starting you off right for a week of peace and harmony.

(Plus, we all want to see how fucked up you are.)

If you’re contemplating taking a new relationship to “the next level” by audibly farting in front of your boyfriend, we’ll talk you through it.

If you don’t know what to do when your boss says he’ll only promote you if you give him a humdiggity under his desk, ask us.

If you are seeking just the right way to tell your parents that you’re into sex acts that involve temporarily halting your breathing, we can help.

Send your questions and conundrums to

In honor of George and Abe, the first Monday Enema will start draining this Monday.

(For those of you playing at home, that e-mail address should give you some insight into some changes afoot. More news on that next week, too.)


At 12:04 PM, Blogger sevans said...

Mayber your readers are so blown away by your writing talent and sense of humor that they are left speechless. Did you ever consider that?

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Rachael said...

Well, I'm blown away by your talent, but also am a huge chickenshit.

I think Monday Enema might be the best title for and advice column ever. Can't wait to see what questions you get, but more importantly, what your answers are.

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Natsu said...

Well, my problem is that I read you writings everyday at work. So, in order for me to comment and not lose my job, I have to wait for the "warden" to leave. And of course, I sit right next to her. I will try my best to comment more often. Thanks for the laughs!


At 2:24 PM, Blogger amy said...

my new URL (the address is in place... the template is still being designed by Flirt in a Skirt). Should be ready in 24 hours.

thanks for providing me with endless humor to get me through the week. inky

At 6:40 PM, Blogger LadyBug said...

You didn't mention whether you're going to post the questions anonymously or include names/URLs. 'Cause maybe SOMEONE's brain could really use an enema, but maybe SOMEONE is just too afraid to submit a question, but maybe SOMEONE would if they were guaranteed anonymity, and maybe...what? Me? No, it's ummm...a FRIEND. Yeah.

At 7:22 PM, Blogger JDPLVY said...



At 7:29 PM, Blogger Lola said...

You are getting between 600 and 1000 hits a day? Damn man just be happy you are being read.

I'm with the other chick... Will are problems be anonymous? Not that I have any problems at all.

At 7:31 PM, Blogger Daniel Evans said...

Speaking of spelling like a four-year-old, yes, all questions will be used anonymously. But if you would like to assign a pseudonym -- like "Signed, Dropping The Kids Off At The Pool" if you're asking about poop habits -- that might be wise.

At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As one who has left you a few comments over the past few months, I find it strange that others aren't moved to leave their proverbial territorial pissings. Let's face it, bloggers are nothing if not editorializing dogs.

That off my chest, I think we all look forward to your comments on life other than that of a "Dad Gone Mad". But it begs the question, "WTF are your qualifications for this line of business?" It may only be the ability to clearly express your wit; but I along with 599 to 999 of your fans certainly look forward to this comedic expansion.

.....did I spell that right?

At 9:05 PM, Blogger number1hypocrite said...

I, too, get between 600 and 1000 hits a day.

man, I'm getting a lot of bruises.

At 7:00 AM, Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

All ... CAPS comment ... hurting ... my brain ...

So who the HELL do I have to blow to get even a quarter of those hits?!

Oh. I have to write cleverly?


Well, I can’t wait for my enema. The enema. The new feature I mean.


At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Danielle said...

I for one, will be Greatly Pleased if this means you are leaving blogger. It is getting more and more difficult to leave comments at Blogger. (which is one of the main reasons why my commenting can be sporadic)

Looking forward to the Monday Enema...

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Goldberg Nomascus said...

It's my first time... here, Tidy !

At 5:59 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Mr. Evans, you have combined 2 elements I loathe most - change and self-improvement.

I'm gonna start cutting myself again.

I'm gonna start cutting myself again!


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