Wednesday, February 09, 2005

My Daughter Thinks I’m Gay (Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That)

There are two disturbing trends in my otherwise-perfect daughter’s speech development:

1) She has some kind of mental block that prevents her from calling me “daddy.” She calls me “Danny” instead. I am aware of the fact that that is my name, but I don’t expect that kind of formal reference until she’s entered college and learned how much fun it is to subvert authority wherever possible.

2) She has not yet learned to pronounce the “L” sound. When she wants to say a word with that sound embedded within it, it is her common practice to drop the “L” altogether. For example, she says the word “butterfly” like this: “Fuhfy.” Interestingly, that’s also how she asks for french fries --- “fuhfies, Danny” --- but if Hot Wife knew I fed our child McPoison like that she’d kill me, so let us never speak of this again.

The other day while we were driving to the gym, the convergence of these two speech irregularities bore catastrophic consequences. My daughter saw a large American flag flying from a pole in front of a large bank building. She said this:

“Danny! Fag! Fag, Danny!”

“Honey,” I say, forcing calm, “daddy is not a fag. And we don’t call people names. It’s not nice.”

“Fag, Danny! Fag!”

“What did I just say, baby? Name-calling is not nice and even though daddy is not gay, there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual. Do you understand?”

“Sorry, Danny.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

[A pause.]



“Fag! Pretty!”

I roll my eyes, conceding defeat.

“Thank you, honey. I think you’re pretty, too.”


At 11:42 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

Now see, you've corrupted her already. Now she's forever going to think that people carrying the flag are different... LOL

Wait till the armed forces hears about this! ;-)

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Ms-Chievous said...

Maybe she just wanted a cigarette.

At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It has been my experience that fags ARE, in fact, usually very pretty. Your daughter has a keen eye, but a habit of stating the obvious.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger Jenn said...

What will Hot Wife think, now that the truth is out?

At 7:37 PM, Blogger amy said...

(a) doesn't Hot Wife read your blog?
(b) if Hot Wife reads blog won't Hot Wife find out you feed the daughter McPoison?
(c) how old is your precious daughter?

At 8:25 PM, Blogger deb in sf said...

And you're afraid.

You're just one big, giant, feathered chicken.


At 8:21 AM, Blogger Michael Moore said...

also, anonymous was me-- and I think this Danny guy IS gay. Shh... dont tell anyone. Just you, me, and your daughter know now.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

you know, i've often, huh?

my son called my husband Dan for the longest time. sounded so much like Dad. and he said it like this: DAN! GET IN HERE AND TAKE OUT THE FUCKING GARBAGE YOU LAZY MOFO! i have absolutely no idea where he got the idea his name was all that.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Colleen said...

and this is only the beginning. Wait until she calls you a fag and/or uses "oh, fuck" appropriately in front of some pious in-laws.
then again, you are probably a bit smarter than I, and didn't marry into such piousness.

At 1:17 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I pledge alliegance to the fag of the United States of America, and the republic for which it stands.

At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When my son was little he would say "f" for anything with a "t" in it. Once we were at the mall and he saw a shirt with a truck on it. He hollers out "FUCK MOMMA!! FUCK!" I wanted to die of mortification until this precious little blue-haired lady leaned down to his level and said, "Yes, sweetie, that IS a truck and I bet Momma is going to be SO glad when you learn how to say it!" Then patted me on the arm and walked away laughing.

Redneck Diva

At 3:24 PM, Blogger DrPat said...

You have been scanned for my Weekly BlogScan. You can find the link to this page at my blog, and also at BlogCritics.


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