Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I Have Seen The Depths Of Hell And They Look Like The Inside Of A Bean And Cheese Burrito

I have a daughter.

Her name is Barney’s Biggest Fan.

She’ll be two next month.

She is sweet and cute and when she wants to know what I’m doing she walks up to me, puts her teeny little hand on my leg and says, “Danny. Dooween?”

Until last weekend, she was allergic to peanuts, dairy products and eggs. The doctor called this weekend and said her blood test revealed that her allergies have essentially vanished.

Last night, for the first time, she drank a sippy cup full of milk.

This morning she came to visit me in the bathroom and her ass smelled like a vat of spoiled cottage cheese on a 100-degree afternoon in Death Valley. She needed a diaper change and quick, before the paint on the walls started to bubble and peel.

[I want to digress here for a moment to tell you about the most disgusting thing I had ever seen before this morning. When I was in college, I took an environmental science course that mandated a visit to the nearby waste water treatment facility. In the middle of the tour, we were led up a concrete staircase to a viewing platform overlooking a 300-yard-long, 20-feet-deep lake of shit, piss, used condoms, discarded tampons, dead goldfish, soiled toilet paper, foam, vomit, Q-Tips and countless other unmentionables. According to our docent, when residents of this particular city flush something down the toilet, it comes here, to the Great Shit Lake. The aptly named “waste water” is then treated and recycled and the detritus is presumably packaged and shipped to McDonalds, where it is ground up with underperforming drive-thru associates and shaped into little McSausage patties and chicken nuggets.]

I carried Barney’s Biggest Fan from the bathroom to her bedroom with my hands outstretched as far from my body as possible. When I unzipped her lavender footie pajamas, a wave of hot toddler stench nearly knocked me backwards. As I steadied myself, I imagined that first few gulps of milk as it churned through my little baby girl’s guts, festering and souring, producing a foul chemical reaction in her belly and the rank fumes I was breathing.

But I am an experienced parent. I have changed literally hundreds of dirty diapers. And I know that any crap that smells this bad has the power to incapacitate those within a two-mile radius when the velcro straps on the diaper are undone. I girded myself, tried to breathe through my mouth and prepared to witness a new level of excretory hell.

When I peeled back her Minnie Mouse Huggies, Barney’s Biggest Fan laughed. I don’t know if she was laughing because she was proud of herself or if she was reacting to the “Grungnf” sound I made when I saw what she’d spawned. The entire inner surface of the diaper was smeared with a pungent, inch-thick wad of runny, brown nastiness that reminded me of the filling in those rank 7-11 bean and cheese burritos. Steam rose from the diaper, and embedded within the smear were three whole cranberries, the only survivors of the accident.

Evidently, dairy products are to my daughter’s digestive system what Mork From Ork was to the cast of Happy Days --- an unwelcome irritant that spreads havoc and destruction through the whole area. And we haven’t even introduced eggs or peanuts yet. I imagine that when we do, Barney’s Biggest Fan will sprout horns on her head and shoot fire from her cute little ass and demand a personal audience with Barney for her second birthday party. And then I’ll be forced to tell her the sad truth, which is that Barney lives deep in the Great Shit Lake and eats little girls for breakfast, especially those who haven’t yet learned to deposit their disgusting, milk-fueled devil shits in the toilet like normal people.

13 Comments:

At 10:46 AM, Blogger sevans said...

You may talk about our daughter's poops that way. Did you forget the most important part? She is NOT allergic.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger ~eve~ said...

Dude, this entry is one for posterity! Oh the embarassment your child will feel when she gets older!!

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger LadyBug said...

Glad to hear your baby girl's not allergic. I will eat some Rocky Road in her honor, and deposit it into a toilet like a normal person, even though I consider myself slightly ABnormal.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Laura said...

Thank you for making me want to vomit, i much appreciate it after I just ate lunch. You are quite hilarious- I think you should write a book!

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

I nearly hurled reading that too as I've had that experience many many times. ick.

But glad the alergies have vanished!

 
At 1:11 PM, Anonymous honestyrain said...

drawdawn, who posted above me, is pregnant and i cannot imagine how she got thru this post without hurling her lunch onto the screen before her. she must not have had lunch. that can be the only explaination.

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger misplacedpom said...

You made me cry. Goddam, I have to tell that story to all my lactose intollerant friends :o)

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger amy said...

oh man too fucking funny!
i could visualize the whole stinky mess. i'm so glad today i am single with no children. it's bad enough when i have my own stinky mess to wipe and hit the flush. stay strong.

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Stacey said...

Been there, done that. I could so visualize the whole thing. YUCK. On a side note, my daughter will be 2 next month as well, on March 14th.

 
At 6:52 PM, Anonymous The Macek Collective said...

If I had kids - I would feed them 2% in some kind of strange contiuous experiment to keep me entertained.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Couch said...

Stacey (two posts above) hasn't been home much lately, and with our daughter just getting over croupe I've gotten to change lots of diapers with very similar contents. I actually vomitted at the smell of one of them.

Anyways, awesome page... I'm definately gonna reccomend it for reading.

 
At 6:32 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

dude. When will I learn not to read your posts at work!!! After reading the title I did think to get up and close my door so I wouldn't disturb my coworkers with my snorts and giggles. I thought I was safe untill.....right after reading "three whole cranberries" my phone rings and I have to try to answer in my serious phone voice! Have you ever tried to answer the phone and hold your breath to keep from laughing? I think I'm lightheaded now.

Can't wait to hear what peanut butter does.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger shellibells said...

That shitty place you were referring to? Yeah, well my father works at one...my 7 yr old calls it a cuca factory and those big concrete things with the mixers inside, she calls them gigantic toliet bowls. I've heard the whoooole long grueling process of how the poop gets there, and although discusting, it's rather interesting coming out of a 7 year old. Her and my father apparantly talk an AWFUL lot. Anyhow, happy diaper changing!!

 

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