Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Are You Sitting Down?

OK, whoa. Hold the phone. What the fuck was that all about? You turn around for one second and I get all maudlin on your asses, talking about craziness and psychotropic meds and cute little babies sleeping in their mommy’s arms. You don’t come here for that. You come here for frank, honest, death-defyingly graphic discussion of projectile bodily fluids. So sorry. I now return you to your regularly scheduled hijinx and obscenity.

As a token of my genuine remorse for sidetracking us from the matter at hand (namely, colorful stories about gastrointestinal distress), I am prepared to reveal one of my most closely held secrets:

Sometimes I pee sitting down.

I know this is standard operating procedure for you fine ladies out there, but for men it is the excretory equivalent of putting your pants on over your head --- it’s just not the way we do things. God gave us these little hangie-down parts in the front of our bodies so that we could urinate while standing. We have the luxury of being able to scratch our ass and pee simultaneously. So why would someone purposely turn a cold shoulder to that capability?

In my case, it is usually related to a common condition known as “morning dick.” When a man has spent his dozing hours dreaming of his wife, a tarpaulin and an industrial-sized container of Cool Whip, it serves to figure that he will wake up with a kickstand. Generally speaking, he is not at full attention, but his hog is sufficiently alert and unpliable so as to make the simple act of urinating an exercise in futility. Any man who has ever tried to pee standing up with morning dick is in a position to describe one or more of the following scenarios:

1) He peed in his own eye.
2) He peed on his feet.
3) He peed at a sharp 90-degree angle, soaking the toilet paper roll hanging on the wall.
4) His pee shot over the toilet seat, over the tank and on to the framed, black-and-white photo of Paris in the springtime, redefining the French term “Eau de Toilette.”
5) He failed to muster the strength to pee at all (since peeing with even a partial a boner is like trying to shove a jar of Miracle Whip into your asshole).

Therefore, lest he spend his morning sponging his own urine from the walls of his bathroom, sometimes a man’s only recourse is to swallow his pride, sit his freshly rustled ass on the toilet seat (making sure to tuck his Johnson under the seat and aim the business end due south) and pee like a woman.

It is my own contention that the unwillingness of most men to follow this simple strategy is why the floors of most of the men’s rooms in bars and nightclubs are soaked with Coors Light piss. Guys are out there dancing, drinking, rubbing up against pretty women and getting all horny. Then they go in to take a leak, drunk and in ensconced in the male version of estrus, and there pee-pee make a sharp left turn at the urinal and ends up filling in the honeycombed-shaped holes in the rubber mat at their feet.

And why do you think the guys on Happy Days were always telling each other to “sit on it?” Could have been that Potsie and the Fonz were too horny and self-absorbed to take their business into a stall, preferring instead to shower the Arnold’s men’s room in their piss? One has his suspicions.

15 Comments:

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

Dude, you are totally redeemed. And then some.

That was hilarious, as per usual.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger amy said...

holy shit. how fucking funny you are. i thought i knew all the goof ball answers when it came to understanding why men felt the need to sit instead of stand and here you go and spill the beans. i met a guy who i now refer to only as "naked guy" and he told me on the phone that he only pees sitting down. he said it had nothing to do with laziness and yes he is always naked when he is home. and horny. so now i know why he is always sitting down on the toilet. thanks again for telling us the truth. god bless you dear danny.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger garnet said...

lol, this guy I was dating told me about the sitting down thing, and I didn't believe him!

you're hilarious!

 
At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, you've heard of the sitzpinkel right? Evidently, in Germany, people (women) put stickers on the inside of the toilet lid to indicate that men are not supposed to pee standing up. I don't know what happened to the original article at Leenks.com, but I found this link by typing sitzpinkel into Google.
http://www.confusedkid.com/primer/archives/2003/04/sitzpinkel.php

It is faaaaaaaaaaar too funny that it might be related to the horniness quotient.... is it something in the sausage or beer, you think?

grin

Danielle
danielleblog.com

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger Mike said...

Hombre, I think we should start a club or a movement or maybe we could just nod knowingly (and masculinely) the next time we walk by each other.

Occasional sitters unite!

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger Im A Foto Nut said...

In responce to Danielle,

Us German Guys just have bigger and firmer Brautwurst is all.

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do I have a feeling that a Miracle Whip jar is the only thing that hadn't been found "in the out door" at the hospital your mom worked at?

I may never look at a jar of Miracle Whip in the same way again.

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger Racer93 said...

Oh you have not experienced the joy of the aforementioned 'morning wood trying to pee' situation until you are standing bleery eyed brushing your teeth and innocently thing of how you can get out of being in the real world that day and what should happen but a wet, warm feeling ALL down your left side.
WTF !!! Yes, the dear soul who I now wish were on a milk carton was standing half asleep and was aiming at me .... so, that tells you he had a slight curve ..lol.
FUCK...that ruined my day !!!!

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Chloe's Passion said...

I found your site through "a girl called Inky" and I have to tell you that I have not laughed this hard in a very long time! I had to share it with all my office mates and we all agree that you should be a stand-up comic!! I will be back and I am going to list you as a favorite on my site. Stop by for a visit!!

Chloe

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you know that the Happy Days 30-Year reunion is on tonight? Airing on ABC, check your local listings. ((amy))

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Colleen said...

So my husband is not alone. And I thought he was lazy. Hmmmmm..

You know, I sometimes pee standing up.

You know, it just does not seem as scandalous.

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger amy said...

i tried peeing standing up once when i was drunk. it ran down my legs. doesn't work for chicks unless you are swimming or in the shower.

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger DyingBurningFighting said...

I don't have that problem, I can pee with a morning woody. Maybe I just have an abnormally strong cremaster.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger deb in sf said...

dude, you know, your nephew pretty much 99% of the time refuses to pee standing up. It drives me crazy because he almost never points that little schmeckel of his all the way in and I'm constantly cleaning the toilet and changning his wet pants and undies. I keep figuring that one day third grade or at least middle school gym class will cure him of that, but now you've completely dashed my hopes. He's a freak and so are you. Darnit.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Lala said...

I like to sit backwards on the toilet. It's a turn on.
BTW Who'd you think you were yesterday? Dooce?

 

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