Wednesday, January 12, 2005

What Part of “Keep Your Penis Out Of Other Peoples’ Faces” Didn’t You Understand?

The ongoing saga of Left-Handed, Power-Hitting Son’s self-discovery has taken a rather disturbing turn in the direction of all-inclusiveness. When you’re four, your penis is the fleshy, pliable equivalent of a new bike, and you therefore want everyone to see it up close – except instead of showing them a Schwinn, you’re sticking your little Johnson in the faces of friends, family members and, on one particularly embarrassing occasion, the guy who works in the small home electronics section of Target.

Hot Wife and I have tried strenuously to make our son understand that his penis is “just for him,” but he hasn’t yet been able to comprehend the socially unacceptable nature of his auto-manipulation. To him, it might as well be a watch or a toy fire truck or a cool seashell. To everyone else, the sight of a young boy with a tiny peter that has been flicked and contorted into a state of bright redness is at once pathetically cute, entirely harmless and disturbing on a par with images of humping dogs. We haven’t yet had people threaten to call Child Protective Services, but can it possibly be far behind?

Ground Zero for our son’s devotion to sharing his penis with the world at large is his nightly bath --- the same bath he takes with his little sister, who is even more ignorant of the issue of penis etiquette than he is, if that’s even possible. For the past several nights, my son has escalated the intolerability of his behavior by attempting to engage his sister in celebrating the wonder and splendor of his tiny pecker. He stands like a superhero, with his hands on his hips, his little unit swinging to and fro, and his face seeming to say, “Behold, young lass! Behold my man parts!”

Her natural curiosity then motivates her to reach out and mimic the way she sees her brother manipulating his penis --- flicking, punching, pinching, balancing bath toys on it, etc. It’s a horrible sight that Hot Wife and I react to with unambiguous rage and admonitions that the children keep their hands and their genitals to themselves. We repeatedly tell Left-Handed, Power-Hitting Son that other people may not touch him where his bathing suit goes, but the look he wears when we’re telling him this is the one you might expect a four-year-old to make if you were describing to him how a company prepares for its IPO.

Yeah, I know --- it’s completely normal. That’s what everyone says. “Oh, my boys humped empty paper towel rollers until they were old enough to drive.” People tell me this kind of thing all the time and my response is uniformly that seeing if your wiener will fit into openings of various sizes may be normal but contorting it into the shape of the Greek letter Omega certainly can’t be considered acceptable behavior by even the most earthy child psychologists.

That’s why Hot Wife and I have taken the drastic step of fitting our son with stainless steel underpants that are held closed with a padlock. The “wonderpants” are removed only when the child has to tinkle, defecate and bathe --- all of which are done in the presence of a parent and/or a security camera.

Drastic? Perhaps.

Effective? Your damn skippy.

There is no way the kid is going to be able to stick his penis into someone’s face unless he learns how to weld. And everyone knows the Jews don’t weld.

9 Comments:

At 8:00 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

There's a good welding class at Miranda's school you could take. Then you could home school your son in it.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

Sorry - I got nothing constructive to say to help you with this situation. My comments, well, they can't all be weiners...

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Lola said...

I lived with a girl once who had sons a year apart. The youngest one was madly in love with his "peep". He wanted to show it to everyone. Anytime. Anywhere. At ages 4 and 5, they were allowed to shower together with mild supervision. After the shower, myself or their mother would ask if they washed their hair, pits, etc. One time I knew they didn't wash their hair and I asked to smell it. The oldest, being very smart, explained they needed to get in the shower for one more minute. The next night when it came time for the questions, the youngest said "I even washed my peep. Wanna smell it?" Form then on not only did he want to show everyone his "peep" but he also asked if they wanted to smell it. Be glad your son is just showinghis off.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger DyingBurningFighting said...

If anythign, Lola's comment is actually funnier than your blog. I just can't get the image out of my head. some little boy asking "Do you wanna smell it?" Oh my GOD!

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I see I should only have girls.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger deb in sf said...

jews don't weld. That is just too much! You sound just like dad! Your nephew's new favorite discovery is the "pocket" in his undies. "Hey, Mommy! Look! I can reach my penis through this pocket. You try!" "No, thanks, honey. That's your special pocket. It's just for you."

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger Miranda said...

Oh, my God. That was funny, Daniel. I have a little penis exhibitionist too and I kid you not, just as I was reading this, my son and daughter come downstairs. Brandon decided to pee into one of his card board blocks so he could keep his pee. I see he's practicing for those frat road trips already. Our boys would be great friends.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Julian Silvain said...

I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.

It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about mens male enhancement reviews) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about mens male enhancement reviews related articles and subjects.

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger superlong said...

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