Sunday, January 09, 2005

This Little Piggie Isn’t Such A Little Piggie After All

Let’s not make a big deal out of this, OK? Let’s not point and laugh and stare and giggle at the freak. And let’s not throw pity at the poor dude with the webbed toes, for fuck’s sake, because I don’t need people feeling sorry for me. Let’s not do any of that, OK? Let’s just not.

Yes, that’s what you read: I have two webbed toes. The second and third toes of my left foot are about 50% webbed, meaning the skin between the two has grow together to form what I like to call a “supertoe.” When you look at them from the top, you might not even be able to tell that I have such a physical deformity. But if I have my shoes off and my legs crossed, you might get a look at my supertoe from the bottom and then, well, there’s no question at all. Once I took my shoe off at the beach and this middle-aged redhead caught a glimpse of my supertoe and face-planted right into the sand.

You’re thinking of a joke right now, aren’t you? You were about to say something about me being a great swimmer or greeting passersby with a “quack” instead of a “hello” or about my favorite hockey team being the Mighty Ducks. Spare me. Please. I’ve heard them all before. Real fucking funny.

Sometimes when I’m looking at it, I think of how easy it would be to just grab a box-cutter or a pair of nail clippers and separate my supertoe into two distinct digits, the way normal peoples’ feet are. But then I contemplate the pain such self surgery might inflict --- pain so raw and deep that it makes my teeth clinch and my butt pucker just thinking of it --- and I talk myself out of it. Plus the risk of a serious infection and gangrene would obliterate my goal of playing professional basketball.

So I go through life as a deformed man.

I endure the jokes about the Special Olympics and flying south for the winter. I acquiesce when, at parties, people offer to buy me beers in exchange for a quick glance at my supertoe. What am I, a freak? Some kind of leper or social outcast? No, I’m none of those things. I’m just a man --- a man with eight regular toes and two that just couldn’t bear to be apart from each other (kind of like podiatry’s version of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen).

Let’s not make a huge deal about it, OK? Let’s just not.

23 Comments:

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Harry said...

I don't know exactly which word fit best when I saw THEM. Incredulous shock and horror; stunned realization, or mere mortified acceptance? I looked back at my wife from our first-born's two tiny feet and said, "Hey, he's deformed", But she was already busy cramming a leaky breast in the wailing mouth at his other end. I went home to cry and allow them some deserved rest. There in the privacy of my john, I took a second to glance down at my own two feet. Then I realized where he got THEM.

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain, my friend, for I, too, know the shame of being deformed.

You see, before I had them removed, I had only two and a half wisdom teeth.

I'm sure you're thinking, "Two and a half? How exactly does the half tooth work?"

It's quite simple, you see. I had both upper wisdom teeth, but I never had the left lower tooth, and the right lower tooth had no roots and no crown -- it was just like a calcium deposit pushing through my gums.

Fear not for me, however. Wisdom teeth are vestigial structures. The fact that some of mine were missing just means that I am more highly evolved than most people. Your webbed toes, on the other hand...

Dude, you're a freak! :)

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger brainhell said...

Well, self-surgery is an option, as long and you dose up on painkillers beforehand, and cut quickly with a clean, sharp blade. But I reccommend the local dermatologist, podiatrist, or GP. They'll fix you up in a jiffy, and make it look pretty. Then, off to the beach with pride.

 
At 4:03 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Super Toes sounds scary. Maybe if you wrapped a little red cape around it/them and drew a little superhero face on them it would be less scary.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Busy Mom said...

Do you have your toe socks custom made?

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

this explains a lot.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger shellibells said...

FUCK THIS! WE WANT PICTURES!!!

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

All you need now is a leotard and a cool X-Man name.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not alone. My daughter's two toes are fused. Not 50% though, hers are all the way fused. Talk about a Supertoe. We checked into having them separated, but the doc said Don't: it would involve major grafting and result in mega scarring. Plus the bones inside appear to be fused. Count yourself lucky, Fever.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Closet Metro said...

"Hi Aquaman!!"

Ever see Dave Chapelle's bit on Aquaman? He says that being able to talk to the fish is worthless as a superpower.

school of fish: "Hi Aquaman!!"
Aquaman: "Did you see which way the bad guy went?"
school of fish: "Hi Aquaman!!"

Sorry your superpower is as worthless too.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Colleen said...

Hey, man, it's cool. I met my hubby on a ski trip and saw his toes the first night in the, uhh, hot tub.
One toe had no nail. The other toe was the ugliest fungal toenail ever seen, and I am a nurse, mind you.

But those toes were strangely suggestive and atractive to me. I would be kind if he were a web-footed friend.

but.... i'd love to see a picture.

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Shanna said...

Wait...people buy you liquor if you show them your "special" feet? That doesn't sound like such a handicap to me!

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger JenL said...

My hubby has the exact same two toes fused, too. Except we call them the "twins" and his are completely fused (top and bottom)

There's a whole long backstory to his pride in his feet, but I'll spare you. :-)

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger DyingBurningFighting said...

I almost felt badly for you, but you must have realized this demand would arise once you spoke of your toes. We must see pictures!! Give us photos of your deformity so we can all enjoy your suffering!

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

A freak? I think you're more like a superhero. Like Aquaman. Hey - can you talk to fish? If I had a superpower, I'd want to talk to fish.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger part-timer said...

Dr. Fever.... my son and my mother have the same ...uh... "superness" as you! I think theirs are kind of cute. But of course, I've never seen yours.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Holy Schmidt said...

I'm sure the foot doctor could get that fixed in day surgery.

Until then, please, for the love of rice krispy treats, POST PICTURES!

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger janet said...

I'll show you my toes if you show me yours :)

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

Oh my gosh - your description of self surgery was disturbing. *shudder* but I'm with everyone else. Pictures!

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger Daniel Evans said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger justanothersarah said...

Normal feet ick me out... for the love of all that's good - NO PICTURES!

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

The thought of self-surgery just now almost had me faint. Ew.

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude i have the same toes and i have gone through life wishing i could wear pretty sandals and people asking me what happened. i dont know my mom has em my g-ma had em and probably her mom had em too. i would like to have the surgery but it cost too much and the procedure sounded like a lot of trouble for just toes. besides inside that web is were i hide my psychic power!!

 

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