Saturday, January 01, 2005

An Open Letter To My Hair Gel

Dear Dep Maximum Hold,

You know you’ve always been my favorite toiletry. There’s just no way to tell you how much all that we have been through together means to me. But sometimes people and their toiletries grow apart.

What I guess I’m trying to say is this: I think it’s time we both see other products.

Try not to cry, Hair Gel. We’ll always have our happy memories. You’ve ridden shotgun during virtually all of the watershed moments of my life. I applied you liberally the night of my senior prom, although you and I both knew the chances of reaching even first base with Wendy “The Maddog” Maduff that night were negligible at best. You stood by me all throughout the 1980s, supporting me when I alternately tried to style my hair like all of the members of Duran Duran, and that one time when I tried to mimic the radical hairdo of that fancypants singer from Flock of Seagulls. You never laughed. You never judged. You just…I don’t know…held.

And the night I married Hot Wife, you were right there under the stars with me, holding my yarmulke in place like a champ. I’ll never forget that. You weren't my Best Man, but you were definitely my Best Personal Grooming Article.

It feels funny to say this, Gelly, but I’ve found someone else. It’s a pomade. It understands that I’m in my mid-30s now and as my hairline recedes I’m going to need to do more creative things with my hair than just rubbing you through it and walking out the door. I need body. I need spirit. I need people to know that I don’t believe the wet look is still in vogue and that I don’t still harbor some twisted desire to look like Billy Idol.

Of all the breakups I've ever had with toiletries --- spray-on deodorant (not good for the environment), tooth-whitening strips (didn't work), Listerine (tasted like stale pig piss) --- this is by far the hardest on me, Gelly. You've done nothing wrong. We've just grown apart. We're different people now (well, you're not a person, you're an inanimate tube of chemicals and dye, but you know what I mean).

It's me. It's not you. Know that.

I wish you nothing but the best, Hair Gel. Good luck, and thanks for everything.



At 11:13 AM, Blogger m said...

If I can stop laughing so hard I'm crying and can't see the screen, please put me on auto-send because I want to read every word you write. This blog is actually what all other blogs aspire to.

At 12:54 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

aww. breaking up is so hard to do. my best to you both.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Switching to Dapper Dan? (and about the mouthwash comparison, the concept that you have something to compare it to is probably not one you should make public)

At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sure...give me that old "it's not you, it's me" line. Like I haven't heard that one before. We both know you'll be back, Mister. Remember your little infatuation with BedHead? Remember L'Oreal mousse? What about Sebastian Wet? You'll be back, my friend. We've made it this long. Pomade's got nothing on me. Would Pomade have helped you during the "Flock of Seagulls" stage? You didn't even mention the "DuranDuran" phase or the "Whitesnake" phase! You'll be seeing me again. Yes, you will!

Best regards,
Dep Maximum Hold

(aka MetroDad)

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

The sad thing is you have probably had that SAME exact bottle of gel since the 80's and now its half full and the outside is all sticky (and you HOPE that is gel).

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

There was no further need for the Salon Selectives hairspray after I quit curling my bangs, but once in a while I'll catch a whiff of that unique scent and it makes me want to run for my curling iron...or buy a crimper.

It's going to be a tough break, but stick to your guns, sir.

At 9:20 PM, Blogger Harry said...

Only the words of Ulysses Everett McGill comes to mind, as he sits upright to exclaim, “My hair!”

At 2:30 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

For a minute there, I thought you were a Gotti boy ;-)

Don't worry. New memories always help to replace the old. Just be careful you don't go the way of Trump. That 'do is god awful!

At 9:50 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Whoa....I didn't know you were into pomade....kinky! I knew a guy in college that got into that stuff. I never understood it. Maybe I'm just a traditionalist that's into gel-on-man action.

Have you ever been able to talk Hot Wife into a little pomade now and then?

At 10:10 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Well, that's the most polite Dear John letter I've ever read.
I think your gel will understand.
Besides, you're in your 30s now, it's time to turn on to different, better, sleeker stuff: it's time for the trophy toiletry.

Best of luck with the ole switcheroo, and here's to many good hair days in 2005,

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Random and Odd said...

I'm so glad I never got caught up in the crazy love triangle of hair gel.
It was hard enough to let my small curling iron and big ass can of hair spray go.

I'm all growed up now.


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