Monday, January 17, 2005

The New Underpants

There are five 12-year-old boys in my neighborhood and these boys serve as my own personal style council. They roam the playgrounds and cafeterias of the local middle school and report back to me on what music, television shows, video games and sundry pop culture phenomena I’ll need to check out in order to maintain my classification as “cool.” In return, I take them to Dairy Queen and load them up on Blizzards just in time to spoil their dinner and incur the wrath of their parents.

I convened the council yesterday and immediately noticed that each of the boys was wearing at least one brightly colored plastic bracelet. I recognized the canary colored LIVE STRONG number as the kind I purchased from the Lance Armstrong Foundation a few months ago --- a purchase that at once articulated my solidarity with cancer survivors and trumpeted my continued allegiance to all things hip and pimped out. But as I surveyed the wrists of my peeps yesterday, I noticed some colors I had not yet seen. Further investigation revealed the awareness represented with bracelets in the following colors and textures:

• Red: Abstinence from drugs
• Purple: Varicose veins
• Brown: Incontinence
• Yellowish Green: Sinus infections
• Green and Sticky: Legalization of Marijuana
• Two Flesh-Colored Bracelets Stuck Together: Webbed Toes
• Bright Red and Hard: Priapism
• Black, Engraved With the Words “Woot! Fuckit! Click!”: Tourette’s Syndrome

As the boys went down the list, it became clear to me that these colored bracelets are the new generation’s version of underpants. You could leave home without wearing them, but it isn’t recommended. What if you have an accident? How will the paramedics know that you’re allergic to penicillin if you’re not wearing your mold-covered bracelet?

I have to admit that I was initially concerned for the safety of my style council. These bracelets compare somewhat favorably to the red and blue bandanas kids wore back in the day to show which gang they were from. But the last time I saw a gang-banger wearing a bracelet, it was made by Med-Alert and meant to tell his homeboys that he was allergic to peanuts --- so I think the kids are safe.

My second thought, naturally, was that I should piggyback on this bracelet craze and get rich. As such, it is my pleasure to announce the creation of a Human Writes bracelet. It is designed to raise awareness for the plight of indigenous peoples who have nasty-smelling poops and suffer the slings and arrows of an unappreciative public as a result.

This handsome bracelet is made of high-grade, two-ply toilet paper and is engraved with the letters SMAMWNSCAISYAVPWESAHAHNKAGTIHM. These letters are, of course, an acronym for the term “Show Me A Man With Nice-Smelling Craps And I’ll Show You A Vegan Pussy Who Eats Sprouts And Hominy And Has Never Kissed A Girl That Isn’t His Mother."


At 9:29 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

This post just makes me think you have WAY.WAY. to much time on your hands. Leave the boys alone Micheal.

At 11:02 PM, Blogger Random and Odd said...

This could be the funniest thing I have ever read in my whole damn life.



At 6:56 AM, Blogger Holy Schmidt said...

you could have the "Dirty Sanchez" bracelet. Make it to look like poo, colplete with corn and or peanuts!

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

Holy shit that was funny. I heard that the bracelets were used to denote different levels of sexual experience, or is that totally last year?

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

When I was an elementary student we had slap-on bracelets sticks. They disappeared when some geniuses managed to slice their wrists with them.

I think your magic bracelets should have spikes on them. Kids love punk stuff. Maybe scratch & sniff would boost sales.

My bracelet will be light green, expensive, and it will signify "I stole money from my mother's purse to buy this bracelet."

At 9:18 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

oh dear. i'm further from cool that i thought. damn.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Dawn said...

don't tell my 16 year old I found it hilariously amusing how out of touch with CERTAIN aspects of being hip, cool and wow I am. I want to view the world through your head, please, can I?

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Lola said...

What color would the southern deviant bracelt be?

At 1:06 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Twelve year old boys? You wouldn't have had a priest back in Boston as a tutor now, would you?
But can we get those bracelets in 'scratch and sniff' too? I like the spike idea, just don't scratch someplace without planning.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger garnet said...

what color signifies "i'll sleep with you if you buy me an italian ice"?

just want to make sure my lil cousin isn't wearing that one...

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I have a L I V E S T R O N G bracelet. The others? Remind me of the jelly bracelets all the girls used to wear.


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