Monday, January 10, 2005

It’s None Of Your Fucking Business Why I Want To Cancel My Subscription

At what point did it become acceptable for customer service representatives to attempt to pry private, personal information from people? Like I’m really going to tell some dipshit in a New Delhi call center why I want to cancel my subscription to satellite radio or internet access or that raunchy porn magazine, which was bought for me as a prank by my buddy and somehow found its way into the hands of my children, who now believe every woman has her pubes shaved into the shape of a butterfly.

“Hi, my name is Bindhu,” the woman on the phone says. “How can I be of most excellent and golden service to you today?”

“Hi, Bindhu. I want to cancel my subscription.”

“Oh, well that is a tragedy sent directly from the heavens, sir. Please tell me why you wish to stifle the precious gift of our service. Have we done something to bring harm to your family name?”

“I’d rather not get into this. Can you please just push whatever buttons you have to push so my Visa doesn’t get dinged again next month?”

“Certainly, sir. No need to get upset. I am a woman of peace and tranquility. Please, what is your name?”

“My name is Daniel. Daniel Evans.”

I hear the sound of Bindhu’s fingernails clicking against a computer keyboard. In the background I can hear the voices of her call center brothers and sisters. It sounds like a real fun place to work.

“OK, Mr. Daniel Evans,” Bindhu says. “I have your information in front of me. Just a few questions. What is your mother’s maiden name?”

“Bartenfinkle.”

“Do you have any distinguishing marks or deformities?”

“Yes, I have two webbed toes on my left foot.”

“I see. At what age were you when you lost your virginity?”

“I beg your pardon.”

“How old were you when you first experienced the loving caress of a woman?”

“Bindhu, what does that have to do with my subscription?”

“Please try not to yell, Mr. Daniel Evans. Our company uses this information to serve our subscribers better. Now please, what was your age when your dipstick first became useful in the way God himself intended?”

“I was 18.”

“Eighteen. My, Mr. Daniel Evans, that certainly is late, isn’t it? Was there something wrong with you? Were you flaccid?”

“No, Bindhu. Not flaccid. Just waiting for the right girl, you know.”

“Did it have something to do with your webbed toes, sir? Perhaps the girls were scared that they might become pregnant with a duck.”

“I’ve had enough of this. Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I’m sorry, but our manager doesn’t speak to deformed people with bird feet. Besides, I’m nearly finished, sir. Just one more question.”

“What? What is it, Bindhu? Do you want to know how big my penis is?”

“No, sir. That won’t be necessary. I was just wondering if you could please take a picture of your webbed toes and e-mail it to me. I think the ladies in the lunchroom would get a good laugh out of it.”

“Go to hell, Bindhu.”

11 Comments:

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

That was totally funny.
But I am surprised you could actually UNDERSTAND what they hell she was saying. I usually have to yell at them to repeat the same 2 words 8 times before it even begins to resemble English.

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

After an hour and 15 minutes of "your call is important to us please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order in which it was received," I am willing to photocopy a picture of my ass and fax them if it will help to cancel my subscription to Flare magazine.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

i think telephone sales people are evil. to the core.

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger Sissychong said...

When the phone recording says "press 5 if you want to cancel your subscription", don't press 5. I never do. I press an important number, like, "If you want to buy $2000 worth of junk from us press 2" YUP I press 2! I get a live person faster, hee hee. If they know you are calling to cancel they put you into a long wait, hoping you get discouraged and hang up, and maybe forget or put off calling again. I don't know maybe I just have a problem following directions? But it works!

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger drawdawn said...

Does this mean we won't be getting a picture of the webbed toes? lol damn.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger Holy Schmidt said...

Seriously, make with the webbed toes picture! I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

 
At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious entry. Thanks.
“How can I be of most excellent and golden service to you today?”
I'll have to remember that one.
moose

 
At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quoth Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:

(After being shot) "Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying."

Apu: Ooh! Okay don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.
Lisa: Hey look at this
Bart: So? I don't have a pacemaker.
Bart: Don't you remember the get well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack. When he had a pacemaker put in. Look at this.
Bart: Okay so the poor guy can't read. Can't we get off of his back already?
Lisa: How can Krusty read the Springfield Review of Books if he can't read?
Apu: Hey! This is NOT a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it back or I'll blow your heads off.

Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.

Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.

[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back]
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?

Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.

Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodisic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.

[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work.
Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.

Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99.

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.

[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?

Apu: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?

Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food.
Homer: Sold.

Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Marge: $24.95?
Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.

[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.

Apu: Elton John.
Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really.
Apu: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...
[plane flies just overhead them]
Elton John: That maniac nearly killed us.
Apu: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song.
Elton John: I hear you.
Apu: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight."
Elton John: Cut it out.
Apu: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back."

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're... selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door]
Apu: He's got me there.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

i hope you are clear of the weather and that you and your family are safe. take care.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

You just say, "Beacuse I don't want it."

Examples:

"Why are you returning this shirt?"

"Beacuse I don't want it."

"Why are you cancelling this credit card?"

"Beacuse I don't want it."

"Why are you cancelling your subscription to Porn Monthly?"

"Because I don't want it."
Reclain the word "want." A friend recently wanted to decline the business of a patron who made her feel uncomfortable. I told her to just say, "I don't want to do any more work for you." He doesn't have to know why.

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger amy said...

hi. i work in a call center from hell. we really do have to ask those retarded questions. i am so sorry. please forgive me. and for this i have a bachelor of arts degree. i have two of them and this is the only lousy shit job i could find. again i apologize. inky

 

Post a Comment

<< Home