Friday, January 14, 2005

Is There Second Place In The Lottery?

Some asshole strolled into the 7-11 up the street from Evans World Headquarters this week and bought a lottery ticket that won him $81 million. I have no idea who this person is, but I hate him. I hate him very, very much. Like a boil on my ass, I hate him.

People who shop at 7-11 eat heat-lamped jalapeño dogs. They drink 128 ounces of Mr. Pibb every day. They chew spearmint-flavored tobacco and laugh at the comics that come in Bazooka gum and don’t start catching a buzz until they’ve consumed their ninth can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. I ask you, America: is this the kind of person upon whom we want to bestow unfathomable wealth? Isn’t that like leaving a toddler home alone with a loaded handgun, 30 lines of blow and the director’s cut of Scarface?

My initial fear was that my neighbor John had won the money. John throws like a little girl and doesn’t like to play poker with the rest of us because he thinks we’re all pussies. He buys lottery tickets (and corn nuts) at that 7-11 all the time, so when I heard that the winning ticket had been purchased there, I called John (which is a lesson in self-sacrifice because John’s one of those dim bulbs who thinks that in order to be heard he needs to yell into the cell phone so loudly that it makes your ears bleed). He said no, he had purchased his ticket at Sav-On this week and, much to my chagrin, would not be moving out of the neighborhood. Fuck.

So in the event that this asshat doesn’t show up to claim his booty, I hereby nominate myself to take it in his stead. I submit to you that the $81 million is perfectly suited to someone like me – a man of incomprehensible integrity, dashing good lucks, top-notch credentials, a healthy libido, love for all creatures (except that bitch Barbara Streisand) and no desire whatsoever to eat a jalapeño dog. Oh, and my wife is totally hot.

Of course, whenever talk turns to winning the lottery, we let our fantasies carry us away. (No, not the fantasy about the Olsen twins and a bottle of baby oil, silly. The other one, about what you’d do if you won the lottery.) I won’t bore you with a long list of the things I’d do or buy or see or consume with my money, but I can tell you this:

There will be porn. Oh, yes. There will be porn.


At 7:39 PM, Blogger deb in sf said...

Every night is family night at Evans World Headquarters. Sorry it wasn't you. I was hoping it was, too.

At 8:18 PM, Blogger sevans said...

Hey, Left-Handed, Power-Hitting Son, Barney's Biggest Fan and I go to that very 7-11 to get a Coke with a little bit of cherry slurpee on hot summer days and I can assure you I have never had a jalapeno dog!

At 8:38 AM, Blogger hp said...

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At 8:45 AM, Blogger hp said...

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At 8:47 AM, Blogger hp said...

posts by hp were removed by the board administrator due to lack of humorous content.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Hoodyhooo I wanna win too! A 17 yr old kid at my job was just last night re telling the story of when he won $1000 on a scratch off and ended up with a DWI. WTF! I could totally win a grand and not go to jail, pick ME!

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Random and Odd said...

I would buy a new pair of fuzzy socks.
Then I would tell Wells Fargo to kiss my arse!
It sucks when they call the house, "This is Wells Fargo.."
and I have to say, "Home or auto loan? Which one did I forget to pay THIS month?"

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

First-time commenter, here. Started enjoying you from Dooce, of course, and you are blogrolled on many favorites. Will be adding you to mine. Your writing is consistently funny, intelligent, and wonderful, and I thank you!

What I can't stand is those people who say if they won the lottery they would still keep going to work. What the fuck? Anyone who can't think of something better to do than that doesn't deserve the money.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

The first thing I pledge to do if I ever win the lottery is to buy myself some new friends. AND some new porn.

At 4:36 PM, Blogger Rohit said...

There should always be porn.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Racer93 said...

If I win the lottery my ex-hubby ( aka S.O.B. or Fucking Idiot ) will be featured on the back of a milk carton and I will be doing a jig :) No, I'm not bitter ... it's been 11 years ... the bitterness is now 'lessons learned and how to erase them' lol.

I really love the people who say they never buy lottery tickets because they never win. Must I explain the absurdity of that statement?!?

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I vote for you getting the money. Because I'm nice like that.

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