Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Industrial Revolution Meets The Intestinal Revolution

The company for which I work has installed in the men’s room a device that automatically sprays a mist of scented air freshener at timed intervals of about two minutes. My narcissistic belief that the odors emanating from my bum have in some way created the need for this machine have my emotions alternating between self-disgust and self-pride. I am in no way prepared to take full credit for the foul men’s room stench, but I am aware that my semi-regular trips to Starbucks and McDonald’s sometimes result in the spawning of some rather malodorous buttfish. As they say, “Garbage in, garbage out.” (Except now my “garbage out” will smell like a spring meadow.)

The company has recently enacted drastic budget cuts, and yet it still found enough spare nickels to justify the expense for an automatic air freshener squirter --- as opposed to, say, sticking a can of Lysol in the crapper. Rest assured, though: if I don’t get a bonus this year because the company spent my money on the Destinkifyer 2000 (or whatever it’s called), there will be a rebellion. I’ll go to the all-you-can-eat Indian food buffet down the street, load up on curries and asparagus and stinky cauliflower dishes, then I’ll lay the mother of all cable in that bathroom, disconnect the automatic squirter and run like a motherfucker, screaming “Eat it, bastards! Taste the pain!” all the way home.

I presume the installation of this device is partially the result of an ultimatum by Julio, the building maintenance man assigned to our floor. I can’t count how many times I have emerged from a stall to find Julio changing the paper towels or restocking the ass gaskets in an adjoining stall. We look at each other. He knows I am the reason he is having to breathe through his mouth. And then what do you say? How do you apologize to someone whose job requires him to smell your shits?

“Hey, Julio,” I say.

“Hey, Mr. Danny,” he says. “Another Filet O’Fish for lunch today?”

“Wow. You can tell that just by smelling my poo? That’s awesome.”

“Awesome for you maybe. Very, very bad for me.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not that bad.”

“Si, in the janitor’s lounge you are the man we call ‘Señor Crap.’ Only reason I work on this floor is because I drew the shortest straw.”

“You guys call me ‘Señor Crap?’ Seriously?”

“Seriously. Your shit smells like rotten tamales. You need to eat more fruits and vegetables.”

“Fuck you, Julio. What are you, my mother?”

“No, I’m the guy who has to smell your shits everyday. And fuck you, too, Señor Crap.”


At 7:24 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Hazzah! Hazzah, I say! The fact your ass is solely responsible for the implementation of special air freshening measures is cause for celebration. Live well, my friend. Keep stickin it to The Man the only way you know how.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

We have one of those at my job too. And it scares me. Just after I enter I lock the door and before I get halfway to the throne I hear ksh ksh. I wip my head around and stare at that thing high up on the wall. I swear that thing is programmed with a hidden camera and some potty pervert is watching, manning the controls so when I least exspect it he can unleash the sweet stench and giggle gleefully.

At 9:23 PM, Blogger PiggyCanHack said...

Hey cool blog, Visit mine :( How come no one ever posts comments on mine sob

At 9:23 PM, Blogger PiggyCanHack said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Jenn said...

Hahahah! You fuckin' rock!

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Lexagirl said...


At 8:41 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Señor Crap? Congratulations on the title. And, just noticing the ads that ran along side the comments, most of them were for items that eliminate 'body odors' and related products. Is there some intelligence behind the ads listings, or are there other problems that you don't tell us about?

At 8:42 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Just had to go back and look again - this ad seemed the most appropriate - - a charcoal mask to clear the air.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger Closet Metro said...

"Play Freebird!" - Johnny, you so fucking rock.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Do you have a White Castle Restaurant nearby, Daniel? They smell the same at both ends of the tract. Julio will leave starving and them janitors'll have to arm-wrestle for the privilege of hosing your floor's commodes.

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Harry said...

Julio becomes popular today (see my site) And if he is the same Julio, I still won't speak to him.

That is pretty interesting; the ads.

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

Have you been mentoring my dear husband in the ways of the underbelly?

At 4:20 PM, Blogger geVpVlpn said...

Hi, I like your blog. I have a site on compare digital cameras maybe we could trade links?


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