Wednesday, January 05, 2005

If It’s Such A Small World After All, Why Do I Have To Pay $50 To Get In?

I don’t want to just come right out and say where we are taking the kids tomorrow because you just never know. My four-year-old son is pretty web savvy and there’s no guarantee that he’s not reading this right now (and if you are, dude, please don’t ask mommy to tell you what “fuck” and “shit” mean --- I’ll tell you later).

To maintain the veil of secrecy (so as not to have to answer a litany of questions between now and the moment we get to this secret, ridiculously expensive place), I’ll describe it for you:

1. It is in Anaheim, CA

2. It has been called, “The Happiest Place On Earth” (and no, it’s not that titty bar near Angels Stadium, although that place is quite happy if you bring enough one-dollar bills and pay this really ugly chick with a discolored prosthetic leg and a mouthful of gold teeth $20 to give your neighbor a lap dance and admonish her to “make it dirty.”) (And son, if you’re still reading this, a lap dance is what mommies and daddies do after little boys and girls go to sleep and there’s nothing good on TV.)

3. There are large, happy-faced rodents and dogs and princesses there who pose for pictures with visitors and scare the bejesus out of little boys and girls who think the animals are going to eat them or drag them back to Toon Town and make them their bitch.

4. You get to wait two hours in line to go on a rickety old ride that lasts 90 seconds and renders you either soaking wet, scared shitless, bitter for having waited so long for such a stupid ride or, in the case of one park visitor who went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad last year, dead and shredded into tiny little pieces like bad carnitas.

5. When it gets dark, you get to watch the Main Street Electrical Parade, where everyone else is looking at the brightly colored floats and you start ogling all of the aforementioned princesses as they ride by, fantasizing what kind of deep sea trouble you could get into if you could just get 10 minutes alone with The Little Mermaid (Son, if you’re still reading this, I’m talking about playing Chutes and Ladders with her. That’s all. Just good, clean fun. Now turn the computer off and go to bed.).

6. Every time you get on a new ride, some uppity female voice says, “Remain Seated Please. Permanecer Sentado Por Favor.” By the time you’ve ridden Space Mountain for the eighth time, you’re like, “OK, shut up already! What are you, my mother?”

7. As you stand in line for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, you can make wild bets with your friends about specifically what drugs Walt Disney was taking when he developed the concept for the ride and specifically what mental disorders he was suffering. According to my well-placed sources in the psychology world, the answers are high-grade LSD, Miller High Life, a Filet O’ Fish with extra tartar sauce, paranoid schizophrenia and a belief that he was being chased by a cricket wearing a top hat and carrying an umbrella (there is no name for the latter in the DSM-IV, but we have deemed it “Jiminiphobia”). (And son, if you’re still reading this, “LSD” is another way to say Mormon. Didn’t I tell you to go to bed?).


At 7:41 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

why is it that everyone in blogland is going somewhere fun while i sit ehre in my minus fortysix degree weather and cry myself to sleep?

waa waa.

i went to disneyland when i was 11. space mountain didn't end up being as scary as they make it out to be on the way in. think of me as you wait in line. little eleven year old me waiting to have the crap scared outta her.

and have fun!

At 7:48 PM, Blogger scorp said...

“Remain Seated Please. Permanecer Sentado Por Favor.” That brought me right back to standing in line for the Matterhorn. The line goes on for days on end and you become bilingual by the constant repetition...I'm a California transplant living on the East Coast...did you know they don't have a Matterhorn at Disneyworld? sigh

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Harry said...

If I weren't sitting here trying to intermittenly finish my beer while dealing with a sudden on-slaught of repetitive sneezes and sniffles (the former nose-orgasms being as wondrous as sex; the latter...well, you imagine) plus having to pee really bad, I'd say how side-splitting this is, or even very funny.

Jiminiphobia, indeed!

At 5:32 AM, Blogger Fiber said...

Another California transplant living on the friggin' East Coast.
Take me, take me to Disneyland. I promise I'll be good.

At 7:14 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Makes you wish you had a disabled family member so you can get the pass that lets you skip to the front of the lines.

At 7:46 AM, Blogger Colleen said...

Hey... great idea... go to the nearest college and hook up with a drama major. Get a wheelchair. It may be worth a few bucks to pay the student for his/her performance, but you could really get your 50$ worth going on the rides again and again.

There must be something sinful in impersonating a disabled person, though.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Thank God the judge ordered chemical sterilization for me. Taking a kid to an amusement park is exactly the way I picture my personal hell to be. If you need a little Valium, I know a guy....

At 6:09 PM, Blogger shellibells said...

It's strange!! Last May I went to Disneyworld in Florida and the Small World (one of my 7 year olds favorite rides) was closed!!! I don't know if it's indefinately or not...anyone know?

At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sure hope that we get to hear some good stories of the day. :)

Shellibells, I had heard they were upgrading it. I just now googled it and the site says
"it's a small world" will not be operating May 2, 2004 until Spring 2005"


At 7:27 AM, Blogger shellibells said...

IMAGINE THE FRIGGIN DISAPPOINTMENT!!! I flew to Florida on the 2nd and visited the park on the THIRD!!!
SHIT, I want my damn money back...but thanks for the info!! ;)

At 1:37 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

My worst times at DL was one Fourth of July weekend, when we learned that the 'wait is three hours from here' signs really mean it.
Best time was a rainy mid January Wednesday, hardly anyone there. After the third time around on Pirates we had to yell at the operator to stop the boat and let us off - after too many 'Yo-ho-hos' your brain turns to mush - kind of like halfway through 'It's a Small World'. (let's all sing along in our heads - "It's a small world afterall ... It's a small world after all ..." - well, ready to shoot yourself yet?)
But Mr. Toad was always my favorite - didn't really need to be on anything to get high on that ride.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

Okay, you can go. But i'm going to Paris. And we're skipping EuroDisney.


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