Sunday, January 30, 2005

If I Could You Know I Would. If I Could I Would Let It Go.

It is Sunday morning at Evans World Headquarters. Hot Wife is out of town. The children are watching Care Bears in the other room. And I am encountering a moment of severe physical and psychological peril.

I have consumed two-thirds of a venti iced soy latte, a beverage that generally sends my colon into a spastic fit that would shame even an epileptic breakdancer with Parkinson’s Disease in the middle of an earthquake. Under normal circumstances I’d grab the sports page and head for the throne. But it is 9:58 am and I must be online at 10:00 sharp, the precise moment at which tickets go on sale for the U2 concert. I clinch my brown eye together with all of my might, punch up the Ticketmaster website and pray. Pray for good seats. Pray for speedy service. Pray that if I do soil myself, the children are far enough away from the blast zone that they don’t drown.

I enter the date and location of the concert I want to see and my computer screen spits back a spiraling gray and white bar indicating that it is searching for the two best seats available for the show. It spins and spins and spins. It’s mocking me. I break into a two-step known internationally as the I-have-to-take-a-dump-really-bad dance --- side to side, butt moving forward and back, a wince on my face, my brow furrowed.

The bar continues to spin. It’s still thinking, and so am I. I’m thinking that I will never drink coffee again. It’s just as well, I tell myself, because the drink I like has tons of soy milk in it and I keep hearing that men who drink too much soy grow breasts and labia and an affinity for something called a pagmina. Still spinning. God? Please, God. Please let the bar stop spinning. Please, your immensehood. Please tell my colon to chill. God?

A voice comes waddling down the hall. It’s her.

“Daddy? Barney, daddy. Barney.”

“OK, honey. Daddy will put Barney on in a minute, OK?”

“NO, DADDY! BARNEY! BARNEY!”

“I’ll be out there in a minute, sweetheart. If you can give me just a few more minutes, I’ll give you a cookie when I get out there, OK?”

“OK. Bye, daddy.”

I look back at the computer. Still spinning. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. The dance becomes a little more seizurelike now. I start to hum and I place my left hand flat against my bum (as if that alone will stop the flash flood of poop and soy milk that’s poised to pour out of my ass like a thoroughbred at the starting gate the minute I unclench my ass muscles). Still spinning.

Another voice. It’s him.

“Daddy?”

“What! What is it?”

“Can I have some milk?”

“Listen, buddy. I need your help. Can you just give me like three more minutes? Please? Then I swear I’ll come out there and get you milk and put on Barney for your sister and buy each of you a pony. I promise. OK? Just three minutes.”

“I don’t want a pony, daddy.”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I want a dinosaur. A tyrannosaurus.”

“OK. You got it. Give me three minutes and I’ll buy you a T-Rex.”

“Daddy?”

“What.”

“Why are you dancing like that?”

“Because I have to go potty but I can’t.”

“Oh. OK. Bye, dad.”

Still fucking spinning. OhgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodOHMYMOTHERFUCKINGGOD! I was just about to throw my hands up and start hating U2 when the spinning finally stopped. The computer smiled, telling me in its own special way that there are two seats in section 472, row f, with my name on them. I’ll take them. I punch in my credit card number and address and --- click! --- they’re mine. Hallelujah!

I race to the bathroom, yank down my underwear and feel my cheeks slap the toilet seat just in time for --- well, remember that dude who interrupted Bob Dylan’s set at the Grammy’s that year with the words SOY BOMB painted on his chest? Well, that guy had no idea what a soy bomb was. I do know. While it would be difficult to articulate it, I’ll say this much: it sounded like there was a 747 landing underneath my ass and the sensation was something like spawning a palm tree.

I exited the bathroom exhausted and emaciated. I thought I should look online to see exactly where section 472, row f is before I went out to explain why we couldn’t actually get a pony or a tyrannosaurus rex. Lo and behold, Hot Wife and I will be watching Bono and The Edge preen around from behind the stage, about two rows in front of the ozone layer.

18 Comments:

At 3:12 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

a few years back i saw U2 for free with crew passes we got from my brother. we wandered around and saw the show from wherever we chose to. it was nice. way better to be on the floor getting sprayed by Bono Spit than up by the ozone. you need to time your coffee intake better.

or get a laptop with wireless internet. you could have bought tickets, read my blog and looked at porn while doing what you needed to do.

i mean, duh.

 
At 5:44 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Umm, I don't know what the ozone part is. LOL, but I am assuming you got crappy seats.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Colleen said...

must.get. wireless. and laptop.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Lala said...

Jesus! at least U2 is coming to your town. Imagine if you had to drive four hours to sit behind them in the ozone layer.

And where the hell did all these commenters come from, eh? Whaddya popular now??

 
At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again, my friend. Great minds must think alike. U2 tickets go on sale here tomorrow at 9:00 am. I hope I'll have better luck than you. But thanks for the tip. I'll remember to empty the colon at 8:30!

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Taya said...

Reading that post made me really really really want to use the bathroom. It's, like, some spontaneous defecation reflex has been awakened by your words. Thanks. A lot.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger lauritajuanitasanchez said...

Yeah...I wish I could shit at will, like apparently "anonymous" can. No, I don't control shit. Shit controls me. Someone told me a story, this has to be a college drinking story, about a guy who climbed up in a tree and pooped on people as they walked under him. As much as I would like to believe this story, I just can't imagine someone who has that shaman-esque kind of control.

U2 shot a video in Kansas City. They shut down part of our highway for the video. K. C. has to be the only minor metropolitan area in the USA that would actually be able to shut down the interstate without a huge traffic jam. Anyway, they called in the big guns. They got William S. Burroughs to be in it (he lived in Lawrence, KS at the time). They had tons of lemons. It was a big production. Unfortunately, the song wasn't a hit since I never saw the actual video.

That day, my friend, Dave Mack, called to tell me about the U2 video. We made it downtown to catch the last hour of the shoot. They were doing a scene where the band jumps into a red convertible...over and over and over and over. When they were finished, the band came down to greet the crowd and sign autographs. There were only about 100 people there (Kansas City...I shrug and shake my head). I got a photo of Dave with a big goofy grin on his face and the Edge signing an autograph right behind him. That was the best moment of my life so far...MUCH better than the births of either of my children.

 
At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i met a friend for lunch on friday. we decided on godfather's pizza cuz she had a free coupon to get a free buffet. after eating half of my food i realized my stomach was making bizarro sounds like the classic scene in "dumb and dumber" ....i barely could get into my car and make it the four blocks home.... so you telling us the tale of the toilet story as well. i hear you, i smell you, i felt you. okay not really "felt" you but i felt your pain and explosion of ...poop. have a good one. i've linked you to my blog so others can really and truly understand the real danny evans. have an amazing poopless week. inky

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger amy said...

i met a friend for lunch on friday. we decided on godfather's pizza cuz she had a free coupon to get a free buffet. after eating half of my food i realized my stomach was making bizarro sounds like the classic scene in "dumb and dumber" ....i barely could get into my car and make it the four blocks home.... so you telling us the tale of the toilet story as well. i hear you, i smell you, i felt you. okay not really "felt" you but i felt your pain and explosion of ...poop. have a good one. i've linked you to my blog so others can really and truly understand the real danny evans. have an amazing poopless week. inky

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger drawdawn said...

I should know better than to sit here eating my bowl of shreddies while reading your blog.

but uh, congrats on those ozone tickets anyway.

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

You made my butt hurt.

 
At 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahem. I must agree with above. Laptop. Wireless. It's a great thing...and yes, I have done that exact same thing, except I grabbed the laptop and made a dash to the toilet, which is situated perfectly next to the bathtub so I can set the 'top on the edge and read handsfree when needed. So I'll say again, wireless. laptop. Look into it my friend. :-p ~The other Sarah

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Charlton Heston: Soy Latte Caffeine is ....... seepable! It's seepable!

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I hate you. I need to buy U2 tickets but I'm broke. I'll have to sell inseminated embryos is 3rd world countries to fund my U2 concert experience. Knowing U2, I'll be able to go see them in which ever 3rd world country releases me from their jail.

I saw them in a giant place with shitty acoustics during the Elevation tour. Aside from the sound, my sister arguing with her now ex-husband didn't exactly enrich the experience. This time I'll have fun. If I can get tickets.

Thanks for the poo story, I always enjoy them. Speaking of, I think it's time to go coil a rope.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger sevans said...

Your title is brilliant!

 
At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buy the friggin DVD and spare yourself all this pain. This is the techno age and no longer must we suffer....ozone, ass or otherwise.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger The Coupon Guru said...

I enjoyed your papa johns coupon blog. I found this coupon forum that you might be interested in... **Coupon Forum**

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger clandis said...

Using montreal network solution to register your domain names?!?!?! Nope, check out Register Better . com to see what options are available for cheap or free domain names including the new loopholes!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home