Thursday, January 27, 2005

Doctor, My Cremaster

My brother-in-law, Ben, was a fencer at Princeton. You might think that automatically puts him into the category of “pussy intellectual,” but it doesn’t. He’s a doctor who cures kids with cancer. He plays the guitar. He’s the father of my niece and nephew (and if you say anything mean about them I swear to God I’ll cut you).

Plus, how intellectual could he be if he married my sister, a woman who to this day swears vehemently that Vida Blue pitched for the Dodgers despite the absence of any supporting evidence. Somehow the juxtaposition of the last name “Blue” and the blue accents in the Dodgers’ uniforms has my sister so completely convinced that she’s right about this that reason and proof are about as welcome in her mind as a Honeybaked ham is in a kosher butchershop.

Furthermore, I know that Dr. Ben The Fencer is not a pussy because a pussy would not have imparted these two precious nuggets of data:

1) Medical students are trained not to use the word “oops” in surgery. Instead, they say “there.” I plan to access this knowledge during my vasectomy. If the doctor says “there” at any point during that procedure, I’ll know enough to look up and make sure he hasn’t removed and discarded my penis, thereby relegating me to a future as a headliner in those crazy Thai sex shows you’re always reading about.

2) There is an organ in the male reproductive system called the cremaster.

I don’t know whose job it was to name body parts back when they were being discovered, but I’d like to toss back a few Bud Lights with who ever named the cremaster. That is just some funny, funny shit.

“Gentlemen, it is my scientific finding that this muscle, which covers the testes, raises and lowers the scrotum in order to modulate the temperature of the testes. This is, in simplest terms, what makes the goo warm. We shall henceforth call this muscle the ‘cremaster.’ It is a compound word --- ‘crème’ being Latin for ‘man yogurt’ and ‘master,’ of course, referring to the episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry and Elaine talk about being the ‘master of your domain.’”

I’m not the type to speak in hyperbole, but I’ll say this much: “cremaster” is the finest word in the English language. Has there ever been a more appropriately named organ? Plus, I submit to you that the function of the cremaster supports human life itself. If your goo gets cold, your little spermies die and life on earth comes to an end. I don’t think I’m overstating it by saying that would be bad.

I’ve been searching for the right way to commemorate the cremaster’s greatness. I contemplated having mine pierced, but Hot Wife wasn’t really into that. I thought about having mine removed, bronzed and mounted, but that would leave me with cold goo and that’s really not good for anybody.

So I’ve settled on this: in the middle of the night, I’m going to sneak into Vida Blue’s house, remove his cremaster with a Swiss Army knife, dye it blue, attach it to the end of a gold chain and give it to my sister. On the bottom, I’m going to engrave the slogan for my cremaster awareness campaign: “Go Blue For Warm Goo.”


At 2:49 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

I walked out of a sauna and into a walk-in freezer one time and totally sprained my cremaster.

But.....even with my sprained cremaster, I still plan to retire to The Islands of Langerhans.

Not as sexy as a fucking cremaster, but they do keep my blood sugar stable after downing a 12 of Schlitz and a bag of Bugles.

At 3:12 PM, Blogger sevans said...

Wondersis - If you ever had any doubt that your brother really loves you, now you know.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Probably named after Fred Cremaster or somebody like that. All the strange names are in honor of their discoverer, or the first person to say 'hay, what's that?'
But you've got it wrong there, it's when they are too warm that they die. One of the reputed causes for low sperm count is wearing tight underwear, and the fix is to change to baggy boxers so things can swing free and cool.

At 4:44 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

your mind, it makes me wonder.

At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Cremaster" is definitely a great name for an appropriately named organ. But personally, I've always been partial to the "taint." (I don't have to explain that one, do I?)


At 7:23 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Cremax is also the apex of the last abdominal segment of an insect. eeew Not as cool as a ball sling.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger The Lioness said...

[Pssst! The cremaster is a muscle, not really an organ]

Here's what Gray's Anatomy has to show:

Actually, testes are a rather pretty thing when opened, very delicate and frail-looking. Don't know abt testicles but should be the same, I imagine. So well done fellows, congrats!

At 8:59 PM, Blogger LadyBug said...

A campaign. Right. Got it. Where do we pick up our bumper stickers?

At 1:14 PM, Blogger Rootietoot said...

Cremaster may be a muscle, but it sounds like something you'd use to do lift-ups with your penis. Like a thighmaster only smaller.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger The Lioness said...

Rootietoot, that's pretty much accurate, well done!

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