Wednesday, January 26, 2005

BY REQUEST: My First Sexual Experience

The following is a transcript from my first and only call to a phone sex line. I was 15. As evidenced by what I said to the woman, I had no idea what I was doing.

[Ed. Note: to protect my family from even greater humiliation than I have already caused them in this space, salacious and lascivious terms herein will be replaced with the names of Sesame Street characters.]


Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

“Hi. This is Wanda. Who’s this?”

“Um, hi. My name is, um, Charlie.”

“How you doin’ tonight, Charlie?”

“I’m fine.”

“Good. Good. What would you like to talk about tonight?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”

“Oh, really? A virgin, huh? Well, why don’t we start by talking about my big, round Cookie Monsters?”

“OK. That sounds nice.”

“Mmmmm. I’ve got them right here. I’m squeezing them. It feels soooo good.”

“Wow. That’s awesome. [A giggle.]”

“I wish I had your Big Bird right now, Charlie.”

“You do?”

“I do. Tell me about your Big Bird. How big is it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe about 13 or 14 inches.”

“THIRTEEN OR 14 INCHES?! WHO ARE GONNA SNUFFALUFFAGUS WITH A 13-INCH BIG BIRD?! THERE ISN’T AN OSCAR THE GROUCH ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH THAT CAN TAKE A 13-INCH BIG BIRD!”

“Can we not talk about God please, Wanda?”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH, KID! HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?”

“I’m 21.”

“TWENTY-ONE, MY ELMO!”

“Besides, what do you care how old I am? As long as I’m paying your $4.99 a minute…”

“I DON’T DO PHONE SEX WITH CHILDREN, CHARLIE. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR 13-INCH BIG BIRD AND GO PLAY WITH YOUR LEGOS!”

“I’m not a child, Wanda, you Elmohole! I’m 21! And your Oscar The Grouch probably couldn’t handle my Big Bird anyway!”

Click.


I cried myself to sleep that night. And to this day, if I see Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch on the TV screen at the same time, I have to leave the room.

13 Comments:

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Lola said...

I'm lookin' at Big Bird in a whole new way. And I've often been compared to Oscar the Grouch. Wonder if I am on to something here.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

Ok, I totally almost peed in my pants reading this.

Thank you for sharing. 13 or 14 inches....LOLOL!!!

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger JP said...

Oh, I'm so lauging. And so not watching Sesame Street with my kids for AWHILE.

Too funny...

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Rootietoot said...

big round Cookie Monsters and a 13 inch Big Bird. My goodness. I'll bet my big Southern Elmo that Telly will never recover.

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger deb in sf said...

Holy Rosita! I take it all back. I'm not the least bit responsible. Jesu Christe. You are one sick puppy. ewww. I've got the icky shivvvers. I gotta go think about something else now.

xo.

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger Angry John Sellers said...

Did your parents find the $4.99 charge on their phone bill? If so, bet there was a lot of "you little Elmoholes!" being shouted in your direction.

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger alyssa j said...

It's a good thing Sesame Street is on during As The World Turns so there's no way I'll have it on for my girls. Whoring Muppets.

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger Jenn said...

Hahahah! Oh man. This was great. Thanks!

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger LadyBug said...

And I thought Boohbah was the only sexually deviant children's show. Who knew?
*Shaking head in wonder*

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

My Brother totally called one of those bitches and when they bill came he denied it and my parents tried to blame ME! Hello, I am a female who was 10 at the time and I am not even a LESBIAN!!! WTF

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

tee hee hee

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger The Lioness said...

Hilarious! :DDDDDDDDd And Mrs.Strizzay - also!

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Sissychong said...

That is so hilarious, dam those Sesame Street body parts!

 

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