Wednesday, December 22, 2004

What Color is My Parachute?

My kids are both big fans of this annoying group called The Wiggles, a band of four Australian goobers who sing songs about making fruit salad and dance around with a giant octopus named Henry. For the uninitiated, imagine The Monkees having an orgy with the cast of H.R. Puffinstuff where everybody’s on acid.

To make sure that The Wiggles weren’t subliminally recruiting my children into The Church of Scientology or some goofy Aussie death cult where they believe shitting the bed will inspire the second coming of Elvis Presley, I did some reading on The Wiggles and here’s what I found: These four guys – Jeff, Greg, Anthony and Murray – were college students in Sydney, all training to be teachers. As part of their education, they put together a video where they danced and sang and preened around like retards on a sugar high. The video fell into the hands of parents, whose kids loved it. Supply, meet demand. More videos were made and The Wiggles enterprise grew so large that the foursome now appears daily on The Disney Channel and no self-respecting parent can conceivably make it through the day without a half-dozen Wiggles videotapes or DVDs.

Naturally, the accidental success of The Wiggles has me all kinds of pissed off. I’ve done a hell of a lot more creative things than make a stupid video, and yet none of them has begotten wealth or fame or opportunities to drink expensive scotch with Michael Eisner. In fact, the only riches my creativity have ever won are a trip to the principal’s office and a few magazine clips, which I parlayed into a stead job as a copywriter for a health care company – which is the professional equivalent of root canal without anesthesia.

It’s time for me to do something drastic to change my fortunes. It’s time for me to shout from the rooftops that I am a creative dynamo and that I can change the world for the low, low price of $50 million (act now – operators are standing by)!

What color is my parachute, internet? What job will bring me riches and fulfillment? What children’s video or Rubik’s Cube or bagless vacuum cleaner can I invent that will redefine some industry and infuse my checking account with enough money that I can guarantee that my kids will never have to worry about their Starbucks cards running out or whether they can afford HBO? In the words of Forrest, Forrest Gump, “What’s my destiny, mama?”

I’ve started my journey of discovery by making a list of the things I’m really good at:

1) Cursing
2) Saying mean things about people
3) Farting
4) Blowing snot rockets in the shower
5) Rewinding videos
6) Flipping people off
7) Eating Pop-Tarts
8) Cycling between ESPN and ESPN2 on the remote control
9) Telling my kids “no”
10) Going to the movies
11) Ordering McGriddles
12) Drinking Diet Coke

That’s a pretty robust list. Surely there is something profitable in there. Perhaps snot rocket lessons?


At 10:50 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

I think what you have to do is make McGriddle while you use snot rockets to work the VCR controls to rewind a movie, all while drinking a diet coke and farting. That, I would pay to see.

At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you would be perfect as a football, basketball or hockey coach.

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps if you could blow snot rockets while farting and drinking Diet Coke...?

At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot Hemerroid fighting. I betcha you could make a million with that. Or maybe eyebrow shaving. That's good too.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

The hubby and I have been trying to figure this exact thing out for five years. Let us know if you figure out the secret. I guess some people are just destined to stumble into greatness, yo.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

there's no mystery. people get what they are open to receiving. how hippy skippy is that. i think it's true. so i'm open to headaches and a flabby tum, i guess. no no no.

you're already famous to your loyal following. i know it's not much since there's like no money involved, but you know.

At 6:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. Fever -

As usual, you are very funny. I, by the way, LOVE the Wiggles. I often dance around with them. My favorite is "Uncle Noah's Ark." But I digress....

In my former life I was an art director in a big (well, a few) whoop-dee-doo (or would that be "hoop-dee-doo") ad agencies. Now I work part-time for a sorry little healthcare agency filled with wonderful people. I check my ego and my coat at the door every day. ANYWAY, my point is that I know lots and lots and lots of ad people out there doing great work and writing awesome TV commercials and doing their own films and writing screen plays, etc.

THAT is what you should do. It is the best job, evah! So fun. Great money.

And if you want, I'll pass your name along. Just let me know. Because I think you are VERY talented. In fact, you remind me of one of my friends who is now a Creative Director in LA.

Always wanting to aid in others' careers because now I am a mom and can't have one and really really miss mine,

At 1:51 AM, Blogger Kelly Hanson said...

How about a video; "Weights and Workouts for the Mentally Fit" You could even include a section on nose and finger warm-ups for snot rockets and a section on hiney-hole and abdominal workouts for intestinal mobility.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Lola said...

The Wiggles are instruments of Satan. Trust me I know.

At 7:28 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

I thought Barney was Satan, does that mean the Wiggles work for him?

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Daniel Evans said...

Carol, thanks for the warm fuzzies and the willingness to be my career conduit. I would never turn down an offer to have my stuff introduced to someone new.

That said, I've done the advertising thing. I wrote about non-dairy creamer and computer processors and all that. Not sure my parachute is that color, but I'd be willing to give it another looksee.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

You're also pretty darn good at list making. I mean, you could have stopped at 10 but you but you took it to the next level, and banged out 2 more items. Well done!

At 7:29 PM, Blogger HDawg said...

Don't forget "The Wiggle Groove", my personal fave, that any reader familiar with will now be cursed the rest of the day by having that song playing over and over again in their minds....."Do-do the move they call the Wiggle Groove..."

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Bellerina said...

maybe you could write a book of curses, and what they mean and also in different languages. You know how it always seems like the first thing people learn of another language are curse words!?? Pretty good idea huh?

At 7:03 AM, Blogger nope said...


I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

Melissa K. W.
To see my family view this page. My Family

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At 1:45 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

Nice blog Daniel Evans. Your posts were interesting reading. I was looking for base jumping related information and found your site. I have a base jumping site. You'll find info on skydiving gear, equipment, drop zones, powered parachutes, tandem sky diving, base jumping and more! Please try and visit it, see what you think and enjoy!

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Rod said...

Nice blog Daniel Evans. Your posts were interesting reading. I was looking for skydive related information and found your site. I have a skydive site. You'll find info on skydiving gear, equipment, drop zones, powered parachutes, tandem sky diving, base jumping and more! Please try and visit it, see what you think and enjoy!
If you have a site similar to mine and would like to exchange links, please contact me through my website.


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