Thursday, December 16, 2004

Tubular

I have aspirations like everyone else, but when it comes right down to it, all I really want to do is watch TV. I really like watching TV. I’m good at it.

Hot Wife e-mailed me this morning and asked how I felt about taking the kids down to watch the boat parade – an annual event whereupon the rich snotholes from one of Southern California’s wealthiest enclaves entangle their yachts in Christmas lights, get good and blasted on egg nog and Johnnie Walker Black, and putter around the waterway, slurring carols and waving to lowlifes like the Evans family who inexplicably show up year after year to watch from the shore.

Now don’t get me wrong: I like watching drunk rich folks drown in two feet of water as much as the next guy. But the finale of The Apprentice is on tonight. What’s a family man to do?

I have to pretend that this is a serious quandary for me because I don’t want Hot Wife to know that given the choice between:

a) getting sand in my shoes, trying to keep my son from eating kelp, and wishing I was wealthy enough to get plowed on good liquor and tool around the coast on my boat, The Constipator, singing “Oh, Dreidle, Dreidle, Dreidle”; or
b) watching television,

I’m taking “b” every single time. To me, it’s like choosing between having a vasectomy or eating a hot fudge sundae. I really like watching TV. I’m good at it.

I think the reason my television-centric lifestyle is so disconcerting to my beloved Hot Wife is that she sees our children drifting over to The Dark Side with me. If Barney’s Biggest Fan isn’t watching Barney or Dora The Explorer or The Wiggles, she’s not happy, and that means nobody’s happy. If Left-Handed Power-Hitting Son isn’t watching Jimmy Neutron and picking his nose and flicking at his penis, he’s not content either. Hot Wife sees her precious dream of an active, motivated, thrill-seeking family morphing into the nightmare of living with three people consumed by a 27-inch Panasonic and a subscription to The Dish Network. We really like watching TV. We’re good at it.

She’s getting good and creative at distracting us. I’m on vacation next week and Hot Wife arranged for us to take a family trip to Palm Springs. She arranged for a place to stay and things to do – she’s got the whole vacation planned out in her head. This morning I queried her on the particulars of our living arrangements for the trip.

“So what’s this place like?” I asked.

“I’m glad you asked,” she said, believing perhaps that I actually wanted to go. “The brochure says it’s got a big living room with a balcony and a fireplace…”

“Uh-huh.”

“…and there are lots of little stores and restaurants within walking distance…”

“Uh-huh.”

“…and there’s a pool and a Jacuzzi if we feel like taking a dip…”

“Honey?”

“What?”

“Do they have cable?”

“Daniel! We are not going on vacation so that you can watch television! If all you want to do is watch TV, we can just stay home!”

“Perfect! Thanks, honey. Love ya.”

And then I turned on the TV. I really like watching TV. I’m good at it.

6 Comments:

At 1:51 PM, Blogger sevans said...

He's not joking. He even turns on a small tv in the bathroom while he showers. He can't hear it but he still turns it on. (I won't allow one in the bedroom.) Love ya too, honey.

 
At 5:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just stopping in to say hello and to congratulate you on your recent nomination at the BoB Weblog Awards 2004.

www.blogmechanics.com/bob

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

You better watch it, she just might hide the remote.

 
At 7:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

watching tv is the one thing i am really good at. no, really. i excell at it. i'm watching the apprentice finale as i type this. seriously. if i stopped watching so much tv i'd be president of the united states. and i'm canadian.

by the way, can you please be kind and stop talking about sand in your shoes. i mean, you know, please. it makes me want to cry. i'm crying now, in fact. watching the apprentice, typing, crying. i'm a mom. i can multitask.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger Terri said...

I LOVE TV and ya wanna hear something kewl? My dad was a producer and director for ABC (now retired) when I was growing up so TV was a very good thing in my house. Even in the 60's we had multiple TV's in every room and were supposed to keep them burning all the time. With current shows like Significant Others and Arrested Development TV is getting good again. Not to mention TiVo! I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! Love the Tivo. Even though I do make a point of going on vacation and going to places without tv. If it's not around I don't have the desire to watch it. I just read. Obsessively. But, if it's around I MUST turn it on.

Oh, and with Tivo you could have gone to the boat parade and not miss a thing. Except commercials! (found my way here via dooce)

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger Kelly Hanson said...

My husband turns on the tv as soon as we check into a hotel room. Even though we live in Germany and television shows are not in English, he still watches. He does the same thing in France. I can understand watching the French tv. It's mostly porn after 3pm. Porn is porn, no matter what language they are moaning and groaning.

 

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