Saturday, December 11, 2004

Tricky Dick

I hold no delusions that my son is the only four-year-old boy in history who has played with his penis on a regular basis, but I will say this: if there has ever been a boy who could acrobatically contort and manipulate his unit at the same horrifying level that my kid does, I’d be shocked.

As the parent of a child thusly gifted, I am at once overcome with pride and horror. Boys will be boys, yes, and that clearly means they will play with their ding-a-lings whenever the urge to do so hits, regardless of the presence of horrified onlookers, frigid temperatures, physical limitations, social mores, cultural sensitivities, and, in this morning’s case, cracker crumbs.

We were watching Blue’s Clues and as he is wont to do, Left-Handed Power-Hitting Son was sitting naked on the couch, spread eagle, exposing his miniature undercarriage to his sister and his father and his dog and the little blue puppy on the TV and anyone else who dared turn an ill-fated gaze toward our living room.

As the episode wore on, the child began to twist and flick and contort and squeeze and pinch and serenade and punch and cup and generally abuse his bat and balls with unwavering concentration. One often hears athletes describe being “in the zone,” whereupon the basket they shoot at looks as big as a Cadillac and an incoming baseball looks the size of a beachball. I believe my son found that zone this morning. His wiener was suddenly made of Play-Doh and the Fun Factory was open for business.

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t believe the male organ is intended to be twisted into the shape of a Chinese throwing star. I don’t believe it’s supposed to be treated like some kind of animal balloon being squeaked into the shape of a Schnauzer by Chuckles the Clown at little Sally’s birthday party. It’s flesh and blood and God-willing the engine behind the creation of my future grandchildren.

Please, son. Go easy on the poor little guy before you break it off.


At 12:53 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

so should I be worried that my son wants nothing to do with his penis? won't touch it or acknowledge it. hmmm.

in any case, hope the little guy goes easy on his package!

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Has he ever said "Hey, look what I can do" and prompty stuffed it down into itself so it has disapeared? *sigh*

At 10:50 PM, Blogger Jay said...

a) That's all pretty normal.
b) This story will make excellent fodder for embarrassing over and over and over, all the years of his life, and especially every time he introduces a new girlfriend to you!!


At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is a little sick and twisted not your usual funny writing. I recommend you start teaching him to keep his privates under cover especially around his sister yuk!

At 6:46 PM, Blogger Nora said...

He'll be a natural for 'puppetry of the penis' when he gets older. Is that show still around?

At 7:20 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

so normal. especially at that age. my guy flicks his like mad. thinks it's bloody hilarious. and it is. hahaha. now comes the part where we explain that there's a time and a place. you don't yank it out at gramma's and start playing it like a banjo.

At 12:24 AM, Blogger Ms-Chievous said...

I can't feel sorry for you. When my 5 year old twin boys chase each other around and shoot each other with their not so flacid "weapons".

At 7:08 AM, Blogger heather said...

Hee hee. My nephew calls his "Big Bird, Bert and Ernie" and he will let you know if one is itchy, miss placed etc. Even during our photo session for XMas cards! I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Thankfully my daughters wern't quite sure what he was talking about.

At 7:58 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Now is the time to pull out the video camera and make some archival shots and burn several DVDs. Yes, keep them around and put them on when he is older and bringing his girlfriends by - or at least threaten him with it.
It will also come in handy when he has kids of his own that age and he starts complaining. You can then pull out the flicks to show the grandkids, 'your dad used to do the same thing' kind of stuff.
Great revenge - when he is a teenager you will be glad to have something on him to compensate.

At 1:16 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I'm honestly worried about having to deal with that when I have kids. I have no idea what to say.

I think that will be daddy's job. I'll just, um, chuckle, or something.


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