Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don't Because Your Nut Is Disabled

Hot Wife and I are engaged in ongoing negotiations about whether or not conceiving a third child would compromise our marriage, our sanity, our desire never to see another dirty diaper, and our ability to clothe and feed the children we already have. While there has not yet been a definitive decision made, I think it’s a moderately safe bet that The Evans Children Factory is closed.

And do you know what that means? It means my poor little giblets are about to be surgically decaffeinated.

My desire to avoid the white hot agony of a vasectomy is almost enough to make me argue in favor of having a third child. Hell, I’d almost rather keep having children on regular nine-month intervals than have some goofy urologist with Coke bottle glasses slash open my scrotum with an Exacto blade and switch me from “high octane” to “unleaded” with a pair of garden shears and a blow torch. Sadly, I don’t think the same course of reproductive action is amenable to Hot Wife. She keeps saying something about me not knowing what pain is until I’ve pushed an eight-pound mammal through an opening the size of a quarter. My response, of course, is that I actually DO know that pain because I have been really, really constipated and an eight-pounder is a runt compared to some of the doozies I’ve spawned.

I have friends who have been vasectomized and they tell me it’s really no big deal. I choose to believe the doctor convinced them to say that or face the prospect of walking around for the rest of their days with a limp, a wince and a card that lets them avoid metal detectors at airports. You can feasibly describe testicle surgery in a lot of ways, but “no big deal” isn’t one of them unless you mean “no big deal” in the same way that detonating a nuclear warhead at the Super Bowl would be “no big deal?”

I remember talking to my neighbor John the day he had his vasectomy. He answered the door holding an ice pack to his crotch, wearing an expression on his face that seemed to suggest the world’s entire supply of Bud Light and Cheetos had just been kidnapped by warlords in Argentina. That look told me everything I needed to know. Not that John is some big, hulking he-man, but we men have a certain unspoken language when it comes to relaying testicular discomfort. It’s exactly the same reason why we respond the way we do when we see a guy getting kicked in the sack by a mule on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

When I was nine years old, I had a hernia operation. Even then I was worried that the hot nurses were laughing at the size of my wee little commando while it was exposed for all in the operating room to see. I may be 25 years older now, but the same insecurity persists. If anyone laughs at my unit while the vasectomy mutilation is being performed, asses will be kicked. Trust me.

I also have trouble with the word “vasectomy” itself. I believe any word ending in “-ectomy” implies that something is being removed and presumably discarded like old Esmeralda’s gall bladder or little Billy’s tonsils. I find that disturbing. Wasteful. My vas deferens are in perfectly workable order. I’m using them. If it ain’t broke, don’t cut it out and burn it. Isn’t there some kind of pill I can take instead – something that will make me stop producing sperm without the use of sharp implements and cauterizing? Because you just know that I’m going to go through with this and then I’m going to come home walking like I have a big dump in my pants and then my kids are going to want to play and I’m going to be kicked and punched and bitten in the crotch and I’m going to bleed and people are going to see the blood on my pants and they’re going to think I have my period and then it’s going to be all over the tabloids that I had a sex change operation instead of a vasectomy and I’m going to be the laughing stock of the whole fucking planet.

I don’t think I’m being irrational about this. Shit, people, we’re talking about MY BALLS, for Pete’s sake! They are meant to be coddled and protected and covered with hard plastic when playing baseball. They are not meant to be scissored and sliced like a Christmas ham.

I have to stop writing now. I’m about to cry.


At 12:40 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

I wish you DRUGS and LIQUOR. You have my sympathy. But then, I haven't given birth. (And honestly? I'd really rather not.)

At 12:56 PM, Blogger LadyBug said...

I'm pretty sure the phrase "detonating a nuclear warhead at the Super Bowl" just got you on the government's Watch List. Hilarious post!

God bless,

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Lola said...

I have not given birth because we all know I am way to bitchy to mate. However, I must agree with Hot Wife, having a vasectomy is nothing compared to giving birth. Quit your whining and suck it up.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger biggaysam said...

Oh the joys of being gay. :oP

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Angry Orange said...

My brother told me when one of his buddies got the 'procedure' his sack swelled up to the size of small cantaloupes. He couldn't move for days.

I would try and get an agreement in place with the following points
- Sex any time you want afterwards
- If your sack swells up to the size of any sort of large fruit - you get completed spoiled for a week
- And if the operation doesn't take (which can occur) and she gets preganant you have the right to accuse hot wife of cheating and get a paternity test. (One guy I know accused his wife - the baby was his - the divorce is pending)

Good Luck


At 5:46 PM, Blogger Pamalamadingdong said...

My hubby had the procedure a about 2 years ago. And he started shaving a month in advance so he wouldn't be itchy and bumpy. The days arrives and not only was it unpleasant and painful but both the Doc and the nurse asked him why he had shaved, since it's no longer needed! He said it felt like one long hard groin kick. But they gave him good drugs.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

buck up johnny. time to take one for the team.

At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, but the sex is so hot afterward, it makes it all worthwhile.

Be bold, be brave, be unafraid.

Hold that thought.


At 10:06 PM, Blogger Jacqueline said...

Ok...all I have to say is that I'm in the middle of finals week, and that seriously just helped me to not freak out...for that, I thank you.

At 5:30 AM, Blogger drawdawn said...

Just think of the great blog post *that* MINOR surgery will inspire! You'll be fine champ.

At 5:38 AM, Blogger Lone Ranger said...

Ya big crybaby. The only pain you'll feel is like someone reaching in and squeezing your kidneys, hard. Then it's over. I should know. I had it done twice. yup, twice. I was tempted to name my second son Vas.

At 7:47 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Yes, buck up there buddy and get it done. I had it done years ago and had no problems - followed doctors orders I used ice the first night, but had no problems. But yes, hold out for rewards for going through the pain (even if there is no pain). And hot sex whenever, since now there will be no consequences. But be sure to do the followup tests in a month to be sure it worked, or again you too will be called Daddy by a new one.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger jomama said...

Don't worry about it.

They won't hear your screams any more than
a coupla doors away.

At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you! I got mine done almost a year ago - STAY AWAY FROM ATV's!!! when it was my time the doctor "informed" me that an old boy was in last week for the "proceedure", and was tilling his 1/4 section later on in the afternoon.(freak) My cure ( not a cure at all ) was a 40 oz. bottle of Gibson's. and all day on the couch - by the way - I don't know if I got the proceedure done " in the sticks " but I had to shave... forewarned

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Closet Metro said...

The procedure isn't bad, I said "ouch" only once. Spending three days with a bag of frozen peas on your bruised beans isn't exactly the best way to spend a weekend, but "there's a hole in my sack" is a great excuse to put off all of those weekend projects that you've been avoiding.

At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When my husband had his done five months ago he said that he had been kick harder... but still no clear check from the doctor... it did not take and yes we are setting up the second appointment... free of charge... though I tell him that it is a sign that we should try to have that little girl to go with our two boys.... Goodluck with yours and my prayers are with you... loved the post

God bless
You and yours,

At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it's always easier for woman to get her tubes tied.

It's stupid for a woman to compare vasectomy to labor pains anyway.

Don't do it, no matter whatever numb nut wants to sugar coat this "minor" surgery.

At 11:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Hot Wife getting her tubes tied?

End of story.

At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...
All you need to know about not getting vasectomized.


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