Saturday, December 25, 2004

Gimme Some Tongue

When we bought our tickets to The Living Desert, the zoo in Palm Desert, the ticket chick told us they’d be feeding the giraffes at 10:00 and we’d be able to help if we got there in time. I looked at my kick-ass new Nike watch and it told me with the utmost coolness and style that the time was 9:52. We could make it if we hustled. I kicked the double jogging stroller into high gear and Hot Wife and I ran faster than any Jews have run since tickets went on sale for the last Barbara Streisand concert.

We got to the giraffe exhibit --- a concrete perch high above a large, open desert pit --- at 10:00 on the button. There were roughly 50 people there, including two zookeepers, but no giraffes in sight. Finally, after the zookeepers had repeatedly rung a large cowbell, a lone giraffe came lurching into view. It walked right up to the perch, putting its head close enough that several patrons reached out and petted its head.

One zookeeper then produced a Tupperwear container full of brown pellets about the width and length as a bazooka shell --- Giraffe Chow. He asked for volunteers to help feed the animal and despite the fact that I was holding my son, I walked over to give it a shot. I grabbed a pellet and held it about eight inches from the giraffe’s head.

I will never recover from what happened next. The animal opened its mouth only slightly and out shot a bruise-colored tongue longer than any human leg I have ever seen and shaped like a penis longer than even the most contaminated Chernobyl survivor could ever hope to shove into a pair of Fruit of The Looms.

“Holy shit!” I yelled. “What the hell is that thing?!” And my son shrieked the kind of shriek one might emit at the sight of man having his head removed with a chainsaw.

The giraffe’s foot-long protuberance began to fish around in the air for the food it sensed was near. It curled at the tip and big dollops of giraffe slobber sprayed out in every direction, raining down on the zoo patrons like stale caramels from a freshly punctured Pinata. I’ve seen some nasty things in my life --- illegal porn, my father eating borscht and sardines for lunch, Clippers games --- but that giraffe’s freakishly long, penis-shaped purple tongue reached me in horrible emotional places I would rather leave unoccupied. (Note to self: remember to Google the words “giraffe porn.”)

I dropped the pellet onto the giraffe’s tongue and it swallowed it in one gulp. No “thank you.” No “Merry Christmas.” No acknowledgement of any kind. The rude animal simply moved down the line to drench the other volunteer feeders in its rank, syrupy spit.

Greedy ass giraffe. Learn some fucking manners.

6 Comments:

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Pamalamadingdong said...

What a LOVELY tale!
Know what else?
I NEVER EVER WANT A KILLER WHALE NEAR MY HEAD!
just sayin

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Lola said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

oh. oh no. giraffes are my favorite animal of all time. now i don't know if i ever want to see a real live one in ym fave with gob et al.

yuckypoopoo.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Umm yeah. Thats pretty nasty. Wonder what the missing comment said. Oh the agony/.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Roni said...

Well with a neck as long as it is, what did you expect for a tongue?? Anyways, I was at the Living Desert years ago, and it sucked. They claimed there had been some storm or something that killed all the plants/flowers... I don't remember there ever being awful storms in Palm Desert... They're selling a whole lot of nothing over there, aren't they?

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

OK 'Blog administrator' - what did Lola say?
And your descriptions are very good - lots of pictures going through my head here.

 

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