Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Everything's Coming Up Barney

This one time when I was a kid, my Barney got stuck in a Barney and I couldn’t get it out for, like, an entire Barney. I mean it was completely and totally Barney. Talk about embarrassing.

This is the world I live in. This is the gibberish that spews from my daughter’s precious lips. When she can think of nothing to say or no appropriate answer to a question, the default response is “Barney.”

“Honey, what do you want for lunch today?”

“Barney.”


Given the very visceral negative reaction I have to the seven-foot psychotically happy dinosaur with the yellow toenails and the totally pussified prepubescent voice, I am not at all fond that this is the word my child has chosen to fill in the blanks in her speech development. But my efforts to correct the problem have been futile at best.

“Sweetheart, can you please stop playing with your tushie when I’m trying to change your diaper?”

“Barney.”


Some may say my daughter’s tendency to summon the name of her beloved in this way is merely a harmless youthful game, a pattern she’ll soon grow out of. To those people I say this: mind your own fucking business. As the example at the beginning of this entry illustrates with resounding clarity, her failure to correct this shortcoming quicklike will no doubt affect her ability to communicate, which will inhibit her chances of finding a rich doctor to marry, which will compromise my chances of retiring early, which will doom me to a lifetime writing brochure copy. See, this is about me, folks. Me! That’s who!

“Has anyone seen the very sharp, dangerous implement that was just sitting here?”

“Barney.”


I have no choice but to follow through on my plan to kill the bastard, as described here:

http://humanwrites.blogspot.com/2004/10/purple-haze.html

3 Comments:

At 6:30 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

at our house everything is BABY. baaaaaabeeeeee. baaaaaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeee. mommmmma baaaaaaabeeeeeeeeee.

i am grateful, i admit, that it is not barney.

 
At 11:25 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Not on the topic, but I just came across a site that might be appropriate for you and son,
http://www.proudpickers.com/
Perhaps you might submit some photos.

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger Sissychong said...

If you haven't already seen it maybe Death to Smoochie could give you some pointers on how to get rid of the big purple efficiently and effectively! Good Luck, Godspeed!

 

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