Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Evaluate This

My annual performance review has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon and that means I am spending today completing my self-evaluation. Here’s what I have so far:

KEY ACCOMPLISHMENTS – List your key accomplishments during the review year and the business impact.

1) The inordinate amount of time I have spent perusing the internet on company time has served to streamline the efforts of my internal constituents because they have been spared the duty of correcting, approving, editing or requesting complete rewrites on work I would have done were I not reviewing sports site, blogs and forums and Googling the names of hot celebrities I want to see naked. Business impact: I estimate that eliminating the need for my colleagues to collaborate with me on actual work has saved the company $422,000.

2) I have purchased one can of Diet Coke from the vending machine each business day for the past nine months, at a cost of 60 cents per can. Sixty cents times five days a week times four weeks a month times nine months equals $108. Business impact: $108. Duh.

3) On a Tuesday in early July, despite my efforts to the contrary, I actually did spend almost one full hour working. Then I took a three-hour lunch because I was all kinds of burned out from working so hard. Business impact: $98,000.

4) I sat through the entire Sales & Marketing meeting without falling asleep. Business impact: I was so tired from having endured that nonsense with eyes wide open that I couldn’t even surf the web the next day. That increased the company’s available bandwidth, which I estimate precipitated a savings of approximately $737,000.

5) I wrote the shit out of an e-mail telling my coworkers that I was going to be out of the office on my birthday and that they should call this other chick if they needed anything that I might normally deliver, which isn’t much – probably just fart jokes and disgusting stories about what goes on in the men’s room. Business impact: Since my e-mail eliminated the possibility of rampant confusion and workplace chaos, I’ll say I saved the company about $3.2 million, give or take.

CHALLENGES OR AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT – List your biggest challenges or areas where outcomes could have been better during the review year.

1) When I’m sitting at my cubicle picking my nose, I should probably try to remember to flick the boogers into the trash can rather than discarding them on the floor or wiping them under my desk.

2) I could definitely improve the response time of my mouse finger when I hear footsteps coming down the hall toward my cubicle. If I don’t speed it up, I might get caught with naked chicks on my computer screen and I think I read something in the employee handbook about that being bad.

3) I need to improve my ability to react professionally when an undesirable assignment is handed down to me. I have been advised that “Fuck that! Why can’t Phil do it?” is not an acceptable response.

4) One word. Flush.

5) Some of the newer phones in the office have a screen that tells the answerer who’s calling them, so I need to find a more creative way to crank call my coworkers so they don’t catch me. Like the time put a paper towel over the phone, called Lucy and said, “Hey, baby, you got any Jew in ya? Want some?” I think she might have suspected that was me so next time I’ll call from the phone in the conference room.

6) When I try to pull the old “dine and dash” in the company cafeteria, I have to remember to check that my shoes are tied before the “dash” part.

SUMMARY – How would you categorize your overall performance? Check one of the following:

___ Exceeds Expectations
___ Meets Expectations
___ Some Improvement Needed
___ Does Not Meet Expectations

Hmm. That depends. Whose expectations are we talking about? I think I’m kicking serious booty, but I’m not sure my boss will feel that same way.


At 5:16 PM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Where's the part about "borrowing" office supplies?

At 8:06 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

oh i so don't cotton to being evaluated. makes me feel like i should have been doing all the things i'd been purposefully not doing all year long. such a waste of time. not like i'd change. not for the man!

At 7:18 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

I hope you will tell us the results of your review. Or at least post from home to let us know you are not there anymore.


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