Thursday, December 02, 2004

All I Want For Hanukkah

I have finally decided what I want for Hanukkah this year. Sex. Lots and lots of sex. Sweaty, groping, face-contorting sex.

Not gonna happen. It’s not that Hot Wife doesn’t like that kind of thing. It’s just that we have two whiney children and a weak-bladdered dog who farts and cable television, so by the time any notion of conjugal relations may arise (for lack of a better term), we’re either too tired or too enthralled by The Apprentice to act upon it. Were I to ask Hot Wife for the gift of ess ee ex, she’s likely to hand me a bottle of Jergen’s lotion and a wash cloth, pat me on the butt and say, “Go get ‘em, Tiger.”

So now I am beginning to drift uncontrollably into panic mode. Hanukkah is less than a week away and I have not yet been able to zero in on what I want Hot Wife to buy me as a symbol of her love, respect, appreciation, worship, obedience, lust, admiration, attraction and pride for me (all of which are completely justified, naturally). I have to be very specific with my wife – item, brand, price range, store of preference, product number, UPC code – or I am likely to get a three-pack of Gold Toe socks from Marshall’s and a Neil Sedaka CD from the cut-out bin at Wal-Mart.

I thought for a few days that I might want a new pair of Oakley sunglasses. I have a pair of bitchen blue ones that make me look cooler than The Fonz and Vin Deisel put together, but the left earpiece broke in half while I was holding a certain squirmy one-year-old girl on my lap during her brother’s Thanksgiving play at school. Sadly, a new pair of Oakley sunglasses costs roughly the same as it would cost to feed the entire nation of Uganda a McGriddle every day for the next three years, so I opted to have the old glasses repaired, which Oakley did for free. If you know anyone from Uganda, tell them to call me.

Now what? With sex and sunglasses eliminated from consideration, what can I possibly request that will quench the thirst of my inner materialist? I looked at some of those funny shaped Nike watches yesterday, but I’m afraid I would look like an absolute poseur wearing one. I thought about clothes or music or video games, but I simply don’t trust my wife to buy any of those things for me. Picture a 34-year-old man rolling down the street in a Honda CR-V wearing a brown argyle sweater and powder blue corduroy pants, listening to Dionne Warwick’s Greatest Hits, on his way home to play a bass fishing game with his horrified son and daughter. “Mommy, why does daddy dress like Alex P. Keaton and listen to that silly music?”

Perhaps I should just tell her I want a gift certificate.


Q: Danny, is it true that Jewish people don’t have Christmas trees?
-- Eunice, Winnipeg, ONT

A: Yes, Eunice, that’s true. We also churn our own butter, pee sitting down and draw pictures of Moses and Abraham on the eastern-facing walls of our homes with the blood of cute little bunny rabbits and chipmunks.

(If you would like to submit a question to Human Writes, you may do so via e-mail at daniel at daniel evans dot net.) (By the way, don’t you think it’s so cool that I spelled out my e-mail address like that instead of using the boring old @ and .?) (I do.) (Screw you if you don’t think I’m cool.) (Who asked you anyway?) (Bitches.)


At 1:55 PM, Blogger sevans said...

Wait a minute! You should know me well enough by now to know that I hate Dionne Warwick. And when you say lots of sex, what exactly do you mean by "lots"?

At 4:16 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

i hate to correct you - i never correct anyone - but winnipeg is not in ontario. as a canadian i felt obligated to say so.

why is it that your holiday You WIsh List is so similar to my Dan's? why is that? he's getting longjohns and a How To Take Out Garbage Before Your Wife Has T Ask book. i think he'll be happy.

At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Dan- You are fucking hilarious!!! I don't have any real suggestions for Hannukah presents, but we are starting to buy "family" presents... ski trips, etc.... I have a friend who is Jewish (well, many who are Jewish) and has a Christmas tree. Go figure. Whatever makes you happy. Keep writing.

You rock.


At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh! Oh! I've got one... Tervis Tumblers....

They are great.

OK, later.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger honestyrain said... i can't type for shit. i am peeing my pants at the gibberish i offered up there. what a goof. i am a goof. oh, whatever.

At 7:28 PM, Blogger Lexagirl said...

I think that the better question is what are you getting your wife? Hmmmm? And don't say 'lots and lots of sex.'

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Lola said...

Pee sitting down? Kick ass.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Pamalamadingdong said...

There's nothing wrong with corduroy, it makes that LOVELY sound as you walk.
ffft ffft ffft ffft. and if you run...fft ft ft ft ft.

At 7:14 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Wow! What Neil Sedaka CDs does your WalMart have? I've been looking for a complete set.
And what's wrong with people that pee sitting down? What's hot wife say about that?

At 11:43 AM, Blogger knurD said...

How about Festivus??? Do Jewish people have an airing of grievances? If so, you can air your sex grievance.

At 9:39 PM, Blogger Lala said...

Sometimes the comments are the best part.


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