Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Right Here

I don’t even know where this came from but lately when I feel indignant and bitter and perhaps a little melancholy I respond to people with a “right here!” For me, it’s the new “shut up.”

I had the TV on this morning and there was a car commercial on. The announcer said something about asking my dealer* about the sport-tuned touring suspension package. To no one in particular I said, “Yeah, I’ve got your suspension package right here, buddy.”

I ordered my iced venti decaf soy latte at Starbucks this morning and the barista is all, “Do you want whip?”** And I go, “I’ve got your whip right here, lady.”

I was so pissed about my barista’s lack of familiarity with my order that I decided to drown my sorrows in a McGriddle.*** So I go to the drive-thru and order breakfast combo number nine and the hair-netted trailer trash asks me through the speaker if I want to super size my order. I was just about to tell her that I had her super sized combo right here, but I realized that such words might be interpreted as either sexual harassment or a welcome sexual proposition, so I just shut my mouth and drive forward to the next window like I was told.

*Um, I don’t have a dealer, and if I did it wouldn’t be for cars. It would be for crack or poker hands or McGriddles something fun like that.

**Honey, I have been coming to this Starbucks everyday for almost seven years. If you don’t know me and the way I like my drink by now, you should be demoted to restocking the Equal packets and plunging the toilets.

***Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I swore off of these things yesterday in the Barnes & Noble bathroom, but I’m only human.


At 9:56 AM, Blogger Fiber said...

I got your McGriddle right here, baby.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

how could your barrista not know your order? how? i know your order. maybe she needs to read your blog. god, woman, wake up.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Holy Shit. I'm so annoyed at how hard it is to comment as a real person I forgot what I wanted to comment about. Oh yeah, I don't think Starbucks uses Equal, you must of been at the wrong place. That would also explain why the bitch I mean barista didn't know you had her whip right there or how you took your iced venti decaf soy latte...I don't even know you and if you told me you wanted an iced venti decaf soy latte I would think you'd want just that. Would anyone even have to ask "whip?" I don't think so. If you wanted whip you would have said iced venti soy latte with whip in your face. Right?

P.S I've got your "commenting password" right here!

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Great post! (original, I know.) Mine is a slight alteration, as I prefer, "I'll give you a _____", and just as you mention, this one too, must be used with some sensitivity to the context. "I'll give you a sport-tuned touring suspension package" might get me sent straight into HR.


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