Tuesday, November 09, 2004

McGriddles Anonymous

Craig The Mouse Killer called me this morning to inquire about the low-grade online intervention on this site in the wake of my admission about a McGriddle addiction relapse. Several of you have voiced concern over the fact that I am consuming them again and Craig The Mouse Killer thinks it’s time for me to come clean.

Well he can fuck the fuck off.

I don’t have a problem. I don’t. I admit that sometimes I drive-thru for a McGriddle or two, but I can stop whenever I want to. I only do it when I’ve had a really stressful morning or when I know I’ll have to talk to people and I need some kind of social lubricant. And, yeah, there have been a few occasions when I’ve had to call in sick because of a McGriddle bender, but everyone does that now and then, don’t they?

It’s not like I’m drinking Costco-sized jugs of Dewar’s for breakfast or snorting lines of blow off the naked belly of a hooker. According to the McDonald’s website, all I’m doing is indulging in 550 scrumptious calories (300 from fat), 21 mouth-watering grams of fat and 1270 delectable milligrams of sodium. Big deal. Like that’s any different from a steaming bowl of lard and a glass of Ovaltine. It’s all part of a nutritious breakfast, people. I do not. Have. A problem.

I’ll tell you who has a problem:

The guy I saw this morning who was had his long-sleeved shirt tucked under his gaudy gold watch has a problem.

The people who live in the red states have a problem.

The plastic surgeon who did this to Tara Reid’s boobies has a problem.

What do I have? I have a ravenous appetite, a mouse-murdering friend and a small army of controlling readers who have their panties in a bunch over my diet. My McBreakfast is my fucking McBusiness, ladies and gentlemen.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my hash browns are getting cold.

4 Comments:

At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes.....I have finally growned out of Craig "YIDPBB" Harris & 6'9"....7'2" with the hat!....Craig "The Mouse Killer" is here to stay!!! Thanks D!

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

settle down there Bubba. i don't give a good gosh darn about your silly little addiction when i've got my own to worry about. eat all the mcgriddles ya like. i wouldn't eat them because i have a social conscience and would never support the fast food industry and it's inclination to ruin the world one fat little kid at a time...but i digress.

and never you mind that i had wendy's for dinner last night. who are you to judge me and my moral fibre! you are not a republican so morals are none of your concern.

 
At 6:45 PM, Blogger Lala said...

Can I have fries with that?


And a Dr. Pepper?


AND A HO FUDGE SUNDAE

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Sorry, I've never had a McGriddle. But I would recommend a pile of the hash browns.
We had a bowl of Milky Ways left over too (big Costco bag), but no one at my place wanted them so I brought them to work (gone in a flash) and had to buy two big bags of mini Snickers for home replacement. Chocolate Forever!!

 

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