Monday, November 29, 2004

Free to a Good Home: The Germ That Has Burrowed Into My Sinuses and Made My Life Hell for A Week

As a service to my loyal readers (most of whom live in Canada, which I just don’t get), I am offering free to a good home the insidious bug that has taken up residence in behind my forehead.

The Evans Head Bug comes in its own handy carrying case – your head – and is the perfect way to show your loved ones you wish them the very best this holiday season.

[Visual: Deathly ill middle-aged man hugging his wife under the tree on Christmas morning. “Oh, hodey,” he says. “It’s just what I wadted. (Hack. Hack. Sniff.) My very owd Evads Head Cold. Ah-choo!”]

If your child has asked for dizziness, headaches, congestion and coughing this Christmas, The Evans Head Bug can wipe out your shopping in one fell swoop. And if your honey’s wants sleepless nights, sneezing, a sore throat and a raspy voice for Hanukkah, well, Mazel Tov. Here it is: the perfect gift.

What’s more, there’s no need to make a mess with wrapping paper or hard-to-handle holiday ribbons this year. The Evans Head Bug can be delivered merely by carrying out one’s daily life. I’ll arrange to visit your location and sneeze on a doorknob or spray a snot rocket on your loved one’s pillow case. The rest is up to his immune system. It really is that simple!

[Visual: Young girl lying in bed with a thermometer in her mouth. “Mommy, daddy, thank you for my Evans Head Bug. (Barfs into a bedside bucket. Wipes excess from her mouth with sleeve of pajamas) This is the best Hanukkah ever! (Belches)]

But wait! There’s more!

Act now and you’ll also receive three empty containers of Thera-Flu cold medicine used by Daniel Evans ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Act now. Operators are standing by (although they may step away from time to time to blow their noses and try to clear the thick mucous from their vocal chords).

Void where prohibited. Restrictions may apply.


At 3:10 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

bloody hell, we've had anough sick around here to last a lifetime, thanks. sorry you've been feeling crummy. it just sucks to be sick. i disapporive of it entirely.

At 9:18 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

Canada knows a great blog when they read it!

Boo Hiss to being sick. I'm passing on the Evans Head Bug too, but hope you feel better soon.


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