Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Dora The Screaming Pedopheliac, Shoe-Fetishist Explorer

One of my favorite television shows as a kid was H.R. Puffinstuff. I watched it every Saturday morning, right after Sigmond and the Sea Monsters. Given my passionate allegiance to the show, it should come as no shock that I was crushed when Old Buddy Andy, who works as a set dresser on a TV show you definitely watch, advised me that H.R. Puffinstuff was one big veiled drug reference. His evidence:

• H.R. stood for “hand-rolled.” Hand-Rolled Puffinstuff.
• Whenever things got sad and ugly in the land where the characters lived, they blew on their little flute (see: doobie) and everything got happy again.
• The theme song, which contained the unforgettable line, “He can’t do a little and he can’t do enough.”

I have lived with the painful scars of this revelation for almost 15 years. I have sought therapy for it. It saddens me to know that I was living a lie throughout my youth. I am horrified that my fragile, impressionable little brain was so catastrophically tainted by a few stoners with a video camera, some silly costumers and an eighth of the chronic. Look at me! I’m a wreck!

As a result of my ordeal, I have made a concerted effort to ensure that my children are spared from any such mindgames hidden within the new generation of programming.

You already know my stance on Barney, but I have found another problem.

Adorable Daughter With Poopie Diapers and Left-Handed Power-Hitting Son have taken quite a shine to a cartoon character named Dora The Explorer. To the untrained eye, the show looks innocent enough: a little girl and her monkey friend, Boots, travel the world, speaking sporadic Spanish and helping friends they meet along the way. Basic cartoon fare, no?

Sadly, no.

I have studied Dora. I know what makes her tick. And I am here to report that Dora The Explorer is a hopeless hussy. A tramp. A sick, Mary Kay LaTourneau wannabe who prays on young primates and camouflages her promiscuity, bestiality and pedophilia under an animated veil of multicultural glee.

Exhibit A: The Song
No matter what task they undertake during an episode, Dora, Boots and their newly enveloped friends end with the same song:

We did it!
We did it!
We did it!
Hooray!


See? Filth! What the kids buy as a song about accomplishing a task is really a joyous musical celebration of their sexual escapades. These three monosyllabic words – “We did it” – are the words every horny teenager longs to say to his buddies after a date with the prom queen, are they not?

That Dora and her disgusting friends frolic post-coitally like whores is reason enough to yank the show from the air, but there’s more.

Exhibit B: The Boots
Who ever heard of a monkey wearing boots? The kids don’t question it, but it’s apparent to me that this is some kind of fetish. Perhaps they chose this particular deviant sexual behavior because a monkey wearing leather chaps or a strap-on is too hard to animate. And kids can’t pronounce “Xaveria, The Monkey Dominatrix” without spitting Cheerios all over their Garanamals.

Exhibit C: The Yelling
Dora is always shouting at the top of her lungs, kind of like a woman whose brains are being effed out.

Exhibit D: The Backpack
Dora carries with her a magical backpack. It talks. And whenever they need something – a map, a book, a compass – it’s in the backpack. Where there's smoke, there's fire. In other words, there’s no telling what kind of foul sexual toys skanky ass Dora keeps in there. I can't be sure, but I think I saw a quick snipet of some Root Beer flavored edible lube fall out of the backpack in one episode.

I could go on, but the point is made. Dora is this generation’s H.R. Puffinstuff and she should be pulled from the air immediately.

Kids, pass daddy the remote. We’re watching SportsCenter tonight.

10 Comments:

At 1:36 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

*gasp* I had no clue! My kids are watching Dora right now!

You rule Dan Evans.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Do you want to be my writing mentor?

Again, great entry.

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

hold on a minute there bubba. dora is good people. dora is pure and lovely and her friend boots only wears those boots because...well, ok, i don't know why he wears the boots. seems weird what with he wears nothing BUT the boots now that you mention it. bit strange. but maybe there's a lot of glass around. you wouldn't expect him to go wandering about with the threat of glass under foot, would you? surely you are not that cruel? are you??? geez, i hope not. it never occurred to me you'd be that cruel....

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger HDawg said...

what about captain kangaroo? or my fave as a tot, "kikaida"? one guy that really creeps me out is the old man on Barney. keep him away from julia!!!

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Remember the boot scene with Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda - of course those boots mean something! And it's the only thing he's wearing? Are you sure the monkey is a he? With just boots you should be able to tell.
Everyone knows that all of those cartoons have subliminal messages anyway.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Cathy said...

I concur. Have you seen the episode where Boots sings about how much he loves his boots, only to lose one of them? It takes a trip down a river, through dangerous rocks and over a waterfall to retrieve said boot. Now that's a fettish.

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger D said...

Bravo!!! You are funny and I will visit your site often, don't let me down or I will sick Dora on your ass, I heard she is thirsty for blood around this time of year.

 
At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

H.R. Puffinstuff was *the best* show ever. My first crush was on that English boy. I loved that crossdressing witchypoo and that damn smart-ass flute. Is it any wonder I now have them on VHS and a Brit for a boyfriend?

#2 show was Land of the Lost. I tuned in every week hoping to have the holy crap scared outta me by the sleestacks.
~Moxie

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Sissychong said...

Puffnstuff RULES!! And Land of the Lost was good too!

 
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