Monday, November 08, 2004

Don't Put Your Hands Near Its Mouth

I cannot stop eating. Since I stopped drinking beer about a month ago, my need to replace those calories by any carnivorous means necessary has become a public safety hazard. I see a dalmatian walking down the street and think to myself, “Damn, I bet that would be good with some chili-cheese fries and a root beer.”

I have been skinny my entire life and that is not a good thing when you have a Jewish mother. My failure to possess an appetite worthy of my heritage’s penchant for solving virtually any imaginable crisis with food has caused her unspeakable trauma (“Only nine matzo balls, Danny? Is something bothering you?”). But I am a grown man. I know when I’m full. And I won’t be guilt-tripped into eating more food than my 170-pound frame can tolerate (unless there's money involved, whereupon I will eat until I puke).

But lately my metabolism has been significantly more Jew-like. Yesterday, for example, I ate a McDonald’s sausage McGriddle with egg, hash browns, a large Diet Coke, a piece of banana bread, an iced venti decaf soy latte, a can of Chef Boyardee beef raviolis, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some pretzels, another Diet Coke, some trail mix, a chicken breast, some broccoli, some Ben & Jerry’s Karmel Sutra ice cream and another Diet Coke. I mean could you just fucking barf?

I have not yet seen the physical manifestation of my superhuman appetite, but I have no doubt that one day soon I will look into the mirror and see Reuben Studdard staring back at me. I mean, one simply cannot ingest as much grease-soaked, lard-laden, deep-fried shit as I have without developing either a spare tire that can fit a monster truck or The Hemorrhoid That Ate Cleveland. And if you’re looking for a renewable energy source, Mr. President, grab a jar and stand behind me.

In what should come as no surprise, I went to an all-you-can-eat salad bar for lunch today and was baited into an altercation with the cashier over my gluttony. I strolled through the line adding scoop upon scoop of food, so much that it swelled over the edge of my plate and out onto the plaid green tray. I got to the register and the bitch was all, “Sir, that’s way too much food.”

So I’m all, “What the fuck are you talking about? It says ‘All You Can Eat.’”

And she’s all, “Well, yes, sir, it does say that. But what you have on that tray goes above and beyond the spirit of that promise. You have taken enough food there to feed yourself and everyone on Guam two or three times over. Come on. Why don’t you just put some of the jicama back?”

So I’m all, “Look, this jicama isn’t going anywhere and I’m really starting to feel an anti-semetic vibe from you. I suggest you take my $6.49 and let me eat my lunch or I’m going to call my rabbi and tell them they don’t allow Jews up in this motherfucker. You choose, peanut. Is it ‘All You Can Eat’ or ‘All You Can Eat Unless You Have a Circumcised Penis and a Job in The Entertainment Industry?’”

She wisely chose what was behind door number one: my money and the continued support of The Chosen People.


At 2:07 PM, Blogger Fish said...


Your post raises many in-depth, thought provoking questions about issues deeply embedding in the modern America psyche, like: why the hell did you stop drinking beer? Next thing you know, you'll say that you stopped smoking Luckies when your wife got pregnant.


At 2:09 PM, Blogger Fish said...

I got grammar good. Arrrrrr.

For the record: "embedded" and "American."

At 2:11 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

i've been eating a lot too. whassap with that? only it's showing on me. i don't care for it, nossir, not one bit. you could be my diet buddy if you wanna. today we are limiting ourselves to 6 pcs of halloween candy stolen from the backs of our children. that is 6 pcs after each meal, of course.

thanks for adding me to your links. if i knew how i'd add you to mine too. alas, i'm in such a chocolate haze i cannot figure much out these days. so sad, really.

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Jacqueline said...

Hahahahaha...I thought I read where you gave up McDonalds after you threw the McGriddle on the highway?

At 3:51 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I weighed all of 155 pounds when I was diagnosed with high cholesterol this past May. I stood dumbfounded as my doctor laid it out for me - no meat, no dairy, no this, no that. Imagine - he didn't prescribe me any drugs - he just told me to diet. For six months, I've been playing along with this charade with mixed amounts of willpower, playing the martyr, when what I should be doing is eating enough junk food so that they have no choice but to put me on Lipitor.

Sign me ...

All Lean and No Fat Makes Jon a Very Dull Boy

At 7:44 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Yea, what's up with the McGriddle? I thought they were just for littering the highways and poisoning innocent groundhogs that come upon them.
At least you had the DIET coke.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger liminalspace said...

It's the hibernation instinct. Gotta fatten up for the killer OC winter.

At 7:33 AM, Blogger kalisekj said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.


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