Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Sky Is, In Fact, Falling

If you want a good laugh, watch the local news broadcasts in Southern California when it’s raining here:

“Good evening, Los Angeles. I’m Bart Finklestein and we’re on Storm Watch tonight. We have live team coverage this evening of the massive storm that has ravished the Southland with almost a quarter-inch of rain today. We’ll start our coverage tonight by going live to Bernie Bumblefuck in Santa Monica, where a man was forced to open his umbrella before going outside to smoke a Kool this afternoon. Bernie, what do you have for us?...”

I have been told by more than one Easterner that our pansy reaction to such harmless “weather” is ridiculous, and I usually agree with them. But while I was outside in my sweatpants in the rain this morning, channeling the rising flood waters away from my home with a push broom and a bucket, I vowed to greet any Eastern weather snob I hear from today with a freshly hocked loogie right between the eyes.

Overnight, the area around Evans World Headquarters got quite a bit of rain. I’m no Flip Spiceland, but I’d guess it was about three inches. The pelting downpour woke Hot Wife and me up at 4:30 a.m., whereupon I looked out the window and saw that the sidewalk in front of our house had turned into a Category 4 rapid. I tossed and turned for the rest of the morning and finally gave in at 6:00.

When I looked out the window to see the state of our backyard, I was horrified. Somehow, the white plastic backboard from Left-Handed Power-Hitting Son’s Fisher-Price basketball hoop had fallen down and landed right on top of the drain that channels runoff from the backyard down to the gutter. The result was a flooded backyard and a supremely irritated homeowner.

I went to the garage, grabbed the industrial size push broom and walked out into the pelting rain. The water came up to my bare ankles and was (by SoCal standards) freezing ass cold. I spent the next half hour pushing waves of water away from the drain and toward the street and, after my triceps grew tired from sweeping, carrying buckets of water down to the gutter. I was cold. I was wet. I was tired. I was pissed. I was hungry. I hadn’t read the sports page yet. And I wanted my mommy.

I know what you’re thinking. If I think this is bad, I should try shoveling snow first thing in the morning so I can get my car dislodged and go to work. If I think this is bad, I should try walking to work in a blizzard or waiting for a train in sub-zero temperatures.

The thing is, I live in Southern Fucking California. When you choose where you want to live, you also choose what kinds of natural disasters you get to endure. As such, I’m prepared for earthquakes and wildfires and sightings of shirtless men with man boobs and back hair. But torrential downpours and flooding weren’t in the brochure.

I demand an investigation.

6 Comments:

At 11:34 AM, Blogger honestyrain said...

ok, i was gonna say Buck Up Johnny but i won't. i'll refrain. if an earthquake suddenly gurgled up (do they gurgle?) beneath me or a wildfire happened down my street i'd be beside myself with terror and lots and lots of screeching would no doubt ensue. you could have laugh at my expense, couldn't you? and i would cry at your lack of kindness. but you wouldn't, i know, because you're better than that. i am inspired by your goodness and will not be snide.

i call for my mommy when my children don't sleep.

honestyrain.blogspot.com

ps. Buck Up Johnny!!!

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Lala said...

Oy, you don't know from WEATHER! You should say SUCH things, makes a mother's heart break! What a little rain meshugena? oy, careful, you might slip!



Don't you DARE call for your mother again......

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Laura said...

LOL!
As a recent Southern California escapee, I have nothing but "good riddance" for you! We moved to Nebraska and are daily more and more alarmed at the dropping temperatures. (Isn't anything below 48 degrees illegal?!)
I don't miss ONE THING about Southern California, not even the beach (which, although 45 miles away, took us up to 3 hours to get to) or the mountains (couldn't see 'em half the year because of the smog).

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger http://kimi.puen.net said...

oh yes, and my toes are freezing too...

i'm appalled that our weather is in the 50's and 60's and that i had to wade through puddles half as deep as my car to get to work. southern cal is not supposed to be this way!

i'll join you in demanding a refund!

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger http://kimi.puen.net said...

oh yes, and my toes are freezing too...

i'm appalled that our weather is in the 50's and 60's and that i had to wade through puddles half as deep as my car to get to work. southern cal is not supposed to be this way!

i'll join you in demanding a refund!

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger baybee_doll said...

hey..i hear ya! i am from colorado but moved to North Carolina...if they even thing they heard the word "snow" on the news everything shuts down for the next day..even if it didnt snow. you dont have to go to work or school or anything. back in CO...it didnt matter if there was 4 feet of snow..you better get out and dig your car out, strap chains on your tires and get your a$$ to work! lol i think people just dont know how to drive here.

 

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