Thursday, October 21, 2004

Off The Hook

There are three cordless telephones in our home – one in the kitchen and two in the master bedroom (one on each side of the bed, which I like to call “The Workbench”). One might be inclined to think that three cordless phones in a house as modestly sized as ours is a bit overindulgent, but I assure you that all three are absolutely necessary. Why? Because Hot Wife has a mental block that prevents her from returning a phone to its base when she finishes a call.

Despite my repeated objections, Hot Wife puts the phone down right where she’s standing when a call ends – in the garage, in the trunk of her car, in the bathtub. I once heard a ringing coming from inside the microwave. This particular psychosis has on more than one occasion necessitated that engage in a wild scavenger hunt through our home, trying to find the location of a ringing phone before the fifth ring. Toes have been stubbed. Children have been sent flying through the air. Neighbors have seen me bolt naked into the garage (and I weep for them because if they didn’t know I was Jewish before then, they certainly know now).

Recently, when one of our cordless phones died, I replaced it with a phone that has a red light on the tip of the antenna. When the phone rings, the red light flashes. I am inclined to believe that this feature was made for hearing-impaired folks, but since Hot Wife apparently can’t hear my screams of panic and frustration about this issue, we’ll go ahead and call her hearing impaired, too.

The Light Phone hasn’t changed a thing. To the contrary, it has exacerbated the situation by empowering Hot Wife to believe I’ll be able to find the phone regardless of its hiding place because, hey, it’s ringing and flashing.

I have considered the following solutions to this problem (but ruled most out because they are considered, at best, misdemeanors):

1) Tethering a wireless phone to Hot Wife’s hand with twine and staples.

2) Attaching the phone to Hot Wife’s ear with safety pins or solder.

3) Drafting a contract that requires Hot Wife to have conjugal relations with me every time she leaves a phone off the hook (Editor’s Note: Yeah, right).

I have, however, devised what I believe to be an acceptable compromise. Each time Hot Wife leaves the phone off the hook, I will post one secret about her on this blog. And since I found the phone from my side of The Workbench in the kids’ bathroom last night, we’ll commence with the public ridicule now:

(Cue trumpets and dancing girls)

She cuts the loudest farts in our household – and there really isn’t a close second.


At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is rude, inconsiderate, cruel and down right not true, stinky fart man! There goes any chance of a conjugal visit right out the window. (fade to black)

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

How about, um, getting ONE phone with a cord? That one will never wander.

Of course it's much more fun to hear secrets about Hot Wife.

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Fish said...

I've had to install two new phone jacks (and counting).

At 1:56 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

my god, i didn't know i was your Hot Wife.

ps, what does gg mean (thanks for bday wishes)

At 2:10 PM, Blogger drawdawn said...

OMG I do that *exact* same thing.

uh, the phone - not the fart thing. *blush*

love your writing!

At 11:08 PM, Blogger Kaycee said...

Wait... I'm caught up on something else... There's a workbench in the bathroom? What kind of bathroom is this? I'm bewildered.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Koby said...

If you can't hang with technology, you might want to run to Goodwill for someone's old corded phone. It could be your very own Bat phone. Noah could be your Robin.......

Another technology tip: did you know there was a button on each phone that tracks it down for you with these horrible little beep-beep-beep-beep-beeps? Put those kids to work! They'll flush it out in seconds.....

; ) Love ya - Hot Wife's Friend

At 8:42 PM, Blogger Dig-Dug said...

I imagine fans of your blog that have access to your house will now have a blast hiding that ringing/blinking marvel of technology. Maybe I can come over and babysit the kids and we'll play a rousing game of hide and can't find with it???


Post a Comment

<< Home