Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Morning Breath

Hot Wife took me out for a great Italian dinner last night to celebrate our anniversary. I had a bowtie pasta dish with garlic, pesto, garlic, chicken, garlic, sun-dried tomatoes and more garlic. Before that, we shared a spinach salad with kalamata olives and really strong red onions. The meal was almost as delicious as the company, but Hot Wife and I each voiced concern that the strong flavors and smells of the meal might make kissing goodnight a rather unattractive experience. But we brushed our teeth and the strong, minty smell of Crest camouflaged the other smells long enough for a kiss to occur.

But while I slept, the various pungent aromas from the foods I ate partied in my gut. They danced around in the warm pit of my belly and joined together to create a smell to which no human being should be exposed.

I smelled it first. The alarm went off, I opened my eyes and I immediately thought there had been a DEFCON 5 raw sewage spill under my pillow. But when I slid my hand along the sheet and felt nothing, the stark realization that my breath could be causing that heinous smell washed over me.

I panicked. I cupped my hand in front of my face and did that thing where you try to breathe into your hand and try to inhale the scent before it dissipates into the air. I did that once and smelled nothing. I did it again and passed out.

I don’t know how long I was out, but I awoke to Hot Wife shaking my arm.

“Danny! Danny! What the hell is that smell? Do you smell that? Did you shit the bed?”

“No, honey. It’s my breath.”

Before I could finish the sentence, Hot Wife fell back and passed out. She’d smelled it. Damn! I knew the responsible thing to do then was to get up and scrub the hazardous, caustic pollutant from my mouth. I looked around for some steel wool or a pressure washer, but all I could find was my toothbrush. That would have to do. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my tongue until it was shriveled and wilted like a slice of pastrami.

I then went back into the bedroom and tried to stir Hot Wife from her slumber/coma. I kissed her gently on the forehead. Her eyes opened slowly at first. Then, when they were wide enough to see that it was me, they opened completely. And by “completely” I mean the way a woman’s eyes open when she’s starring in a horror movie and she sees a man in a hockey goalie mask coming at her with a chainsaw. Hot Wife screamed, threw the covers off of herself and bolted from the room. She yelled back to me as she ran.

“Stay back, Yuckmouth! Stay back or I’ll call the authorities!”

“But, honey!” I yelled back. “I brushed! And besides, you were the one who picked the restaurant!”


At 5:38 PM, Blogger honestyrain said...

i knew i smelled something this morning. ick. next time hold your breath, will ya? gotta be pretty bad if i smelled you from canada.

At 5:08 AM, Blogger Lala said...

my mother called last night and asked us to go outside. "Do you smell it too?" She asked. Even though we live five blocks away we had to admit that we COULD smell it. Now we know it was you. Mystery 574 solved. Thanks

At 7:33 AM, Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Was that what was in the air here out west? I had the windows up, hoping it wasn't me.

At 3:54 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Too bad you weren't driving. I always like to blame those smells on the car engine.

At 8:24 PM, Blogger jiri said...

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I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger ldove1972 said...

ain. Superb work on this personal blog. More than likely you will enjoy my blog. Minty Breath


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