Thursday, October 14, 2004

The Evans Method

I have spent the last two days at an off-site meeting for work – the kind where they drag the whole team to a frigid hotel conference room and subject us to a litany of boring PowerPoint presentations and stale chocolate chip cookies. Fortunately, the meeting was in a city 45 minutes from my home, which meant I had an hour and a half each day of prime nose-picking time on the freeway.

I am really, really good at picking my nose. If there was a professional nose picking league, I would be its Michael Jordan. To the chagrin and horror of Hot Wife, I have mastered my own proprietary technique for removing any and all mucus-based obstructions from my nasal airway. The patent for The Evans Method is still pending, but I will describe it in as much detail as possible without involving lawyers.

1. The Evans Method involves the use of two fingers: the index finger for larger, more accessible intruders and the pinky finger for harder-to-get rafter-dwellers.

2. Begin by inserting the index finger with the palm of your hand aimed toward your face. The index finger should be used initially as a probe. Can you feel any uninvited guests? If so, is their consistency “Original Recipe” or “Extra Crispy?” This calculation is absolutely critical.

3. If you detect a slimy, original recipe booger, abort The Evans Method and grab a Kleenex. ORBs (Original Recipe boogers) are devastatingly unpredictable and threaten to end up on your upper lip or (God forbid) in your mouth if not handled properly.

4. The detection of an ECB (Extra Crispy Booger) initiates Phase II of The Evans Method. Still using the index finger, pin the offending mucus against the nasal wall and rotate your finger and palm outward. After ensuring that you have a secure grasp, slide the ECB down and out of the nasal cavity. Roll it into a ball between your thumb and forefinger and flick it out the window of your vehicle.

5. In the event that the ECB escapes your grasp and flees northward toward your brain, remove your index finger, wipe it on your shirt and insert your pinky into the same nostril. Given its thinner, more streamlined shape, the pinky can access the farthermost regions of the nostril without stretching it out like the hoo-hoo of a mother giving birth. Continue as you did in Step 3.

6. If an ECB flees too far north and becomes inaccessible via digital proboscis, resort to the Snot Rocket technique. Pinch closed the unaffected nostril with your index finger, aim your head away from small children or open flames, and blow your nose into the air. If executed properly, the offending snot will blast out of your nose and into the atmosphere. This technique has been perfected by professional athletes worldwide.

I invite you to order my exciting new audiotape series, “The Evans Method: How To Get Up There Where It’s Pink,” which is available exclusively to Human Writes readers for three easy installments of $19.95. I am also available for private consultations.


At 4:14 PM, Blogger Ms-Chievous said...

Beautiful. A work of art.
I HAD to link this and put it on my blog.
Your snot lawyers may sue me.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Holy crap, dude, you cracked me up.

Man, I'd love to get this in a video taped demonstration. I tend to learn easier with visual aids. Will that also be available at the low low price of $59.85?

At 1:07 AM, Blogger baybee_doll said...

so..i fully intended on reading youre entire blog entry today..but after reading the first couple paragraphs and gagging *eeeeeyuck!* i figure i'll leave this one to the pro'

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Dig-Dug said...

...and the wife gets on me for not trimming my nails. That's like asking a carpenter to give up his hammer!!


Post a Comment

<< Home